Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Day 65 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful for having Ita at my place while Vincent's gone."

So, because of the grateful project, I had to put the positive side of something even when I was so negative. :P

I was negative because:
Not even a week after Vincent was back from France, he has to go again for 2.5 weeks to Thailand and Vietnam for work. We haven't even enjoyed the garden together. We haven't even enjoyed the jacuzzi together. He hasn't even contributed in the unpacking task - though perhaps he never would if he stayed. :P But it was really annoying. I haven't been able to sleep well in the new house. Yes, it's nice and all, but it's a new bedroom, a new smell, a new space, new everything... Vincent was as annoyed because he was really tired from everything and he wanted to bond with the new house, too.

There was another negativity that didn't concern us. My sister, Ita, was kicked out of her boarding house (kos). THAT was familiar and rude. I had that too once with my first kos. They just kicked me out just like that because they had another tenant that was willing to pay higher for the room. And just the day before they were still smiling wide to me as if nothing was wrong. MONEY IS EVIL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! And greed is consuming Bali and its people. SHAME!

However, that event forced her to find whatever kos she could find within days upon her arrival from her Christmas/New Year holiday in Surabaya so that she could dump her things there and I'd offered her to stay at mine instead while Vincent's gone. Win-win solution: she's got a place to stay and I'm not alone in a house I don't feel attached to yet.

So yeah, we're looking forward to fighting again. :D Well, that's what she and I do more than anything else. But better that than be lonely.

Here's Ita at the Jacuzzi.
3:14 pm
Day 64 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful that Vincent was Staying Another Day."

Why would he have to leave, right? He was just back not even a week ago.

Well, he has too. Work calls! Pffff...

The company he works for is sending him to Thailand and Vietnam for 2.5 weeks. Sigh. Anyway, nothing I can do about it. But I was just annoyed that it had to be now. If it had been next week, it would have been better.

The good news is: he's supposed to leave today, but it's postponed to tomorrow morning. YAY! Such a good timing because this evening it rained so very, very hard that we found leaks in both bedrooms! He made a call to the owner and insisted that it would be fixed tomorrow before he left for Thailand. And I can enjoy the snuggle for another few hours. ^^
3:30 pm
Day 54 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful to be back in Bali after the Borneo and Christmas trip to Surabaya."

I had great time during the Borneo trip and the short Christmas one to my mom's in Surabaya. I spent the whole time coughing madly and no matter how many cough syrup bottles and other meds that I took, I never seemed to get better. And for the first time in life, I threw up every time the cough attacked. Yet, every moment of this holiday mattered. Borneo took my mind away a little bit of the unfortunate event we had with our kitty and my family kept me busy with their incredibly idiotic jokes and rude Surabayan-style madness. Kabuki, the only pet left in my family after Zwartje and Mouche passed away, looked healthy though his fur was falling off. Note to self: get a vet check him for any skin disease.
Kabuki, Zwartje's son
A giant fly digging into the ground for, I don't know, lying its eggs?
This is not a macro picture. The photo is sharp as it is because it was.simply.the.biggest.fly. I've ever seen in life.
The holiday would have been perfect if Vincent had been with me. But it wasn't bad at all, either. Anyway, it still feels nice to be back home.
11:33 pm
Day 47 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful to finally find out whether or not I will be with Vincent this Christmas."

Trust me, it was not that easy to come up with the grateful line above. What I'm feeling now is more like sad than grateful.

Our last guests were leaving and Vincent asked them if they would be in Nancy, France for Christmas; if they would, then he'd see them there. They said yes and naturally asked whether I would be there too. Vince said no.

I guess I already knew that I wouldn't be going based on our present financial record. But we never discussed that it was decided as such, while in the beginning of the year it seemed like I'd be going. But then again, there are always many plans and very little effort to make them come true. So why surprised, right?

I think the shock came because I had to hear it in front of other people. And for a weird reason, I thought I was being stepped up. And that made me feel that there was some distance between us, shown by our lack of communication in this case. I actually always believed that we had good communication. But somehow, for more important issues, we both seem to try to avoid talking about them.

Which led me to question things again.

Anyway, just so that there is no misunderstanding, I'm not dying to go to France. Yes, it'd be nice to revisit it, but that's really the last thing that should be in my priority. Christmas, on the other hand, is one of the very few important events for me. This is the time when we should be spending with our beloved family, which actually makes it a reason enough for Vincent to spend it with his mother. After all, that's the only time they can be together in a year while I have him the whole year long. But then who am I then?

I am a girlfriend.

Why can't I bring myself to remember that at times? I've been too busy playing house that even I deceive myself that I'm someone more.

I hope nobody thinks that I'm blaming anyone, because I'm not. And I was actually touched that Vincent later on said that we could work on it if I did want to go. But what's the point of going to Europe for 2 weeks, probably stranded at his mother's house most of the time because the snow is too thick outside, and then coming home totally broke?

The bigger issue here does not lie in the travel. The bigger issue is - to me at least - what we are and where we are in this relationship. Vincent likes to go with the flow, and if I were 22 instead of 32 I would prefer going with the flow, too. But I'm done with going with the flow. I need directions!

Ideally I'd like to spend my life forever with him. But if forever is not possible, I'll just settle to "as long as we can take." But who knows... maybe long is not that long...

I must be fucking PMS-ing! This is why I don't like to think. Everything looks fine for a long time now and there must be always something to make it not fine. Bugger!
2:54 pm
Day 38 of 365 Grateful Days Project:

"I'm grateful that Kabuki, Zwartje's son, started to eat again."
Kabuki
He'd always been with Zwartje since the day he was born. They were inseparable. The day Zwartje died, my mum kept Kabuki upstairs while she let Zwartje in the house. So Kabuki didn't, fortunately, witness his death.

After Zwartje was buried in our front sort-of yard, I asked my mother to let Kabuki wander freely in the house. I thought, of everyone, he must have been the one that was the saddest. He never spent a minute without his father. So he would need more attention from us more than ever. According to my mum, he kept checking every room looking for Zwartje and he refused to eat. The white dog with black spots was obviously very, very sad and stressed out.

Yesterday I got a call from my mum, saying that Kabuki had started eating again. Not a lot, but at least he ate. Apparently he had developed a fondness of my niece, Michelle, and the feeling is mutual. Michelle likes sharing her food and Kabuki would eat from her. I was happy to hear that. It will take time to heal this ugly wound, but it looks like everything falls into good places. Now I've got no reason to not concentrate on work today.
10:13 am
Day 37 of 365 Grateful Days Project:

"I'm grateful to have guests in the house at the time I'm down. They give me a reason not to bury myself with excessive sadness."

The truth is I only enjoy having guests at my place only very occasionally. Last year there were so many guests coming that I felt that my privacy was intruded very, very extensively. I had no time for myself, I couldn't be free in my own house, I couldn't concentrate 100% at work (which is at home, by the way) since the guests would demand attention every now and then, and I also think it was one of the many reasons why Vincent and I grew apart at that time.

But this time is different. Yes, I pulled myself away from everyone when I heard the terrible news about Zwartje, I didn't get out for dinner or simply socialise with the guests, I stopped worrying about what my client would think about the web designs I proposed to them that day, and I just sank my face in the pillow and wet it all over. The next morning I was still shaking and couldn't exactly face people. But a call from my mother changed it a little.

One of my biggest worries was my mum. Zwartje was her real best friend. He was the closest she could ever get with anyone after my father died in 1997. I was wondering how it could sadden her when it already saddened me as such. Yes, she sounded very sad on the phone. But she also sounded as if she accepted the fact. She actually sounded grateful that she had had Zwartje for all this time - instead of sounding miserable how she could go on with life without him. It calmed me down in a way.

Then when the guests - a couple one of who is related to Vincent - came back from their surfing activity, I managed to sit down with them for hours on the couch. As usual, I always feel the need to entertain guests because really that's the way it should be. If you dare to host, you should be ready to entertain. Anyway, it was uneasy at first because I had such a mixed mood. But after half an hour I managed to gather myself and I could even pop a smile. I was surprised with my own discovery, but pleased anyway. By the end of the evening, I felt much better (perhaps also because of the delicious nasi padang we ate for dinner).

I am blessed. Even during my darkest time.
10:47 am
Day 36 of 365 Grateful Days Project:

"I'm grateful to have had such a nice, loyal, lovely dog - Zwartje - for the past ten years."


Zwartje
I remember bringing him home for the first time. He was only two months old or so, completely black and handsome, and my mother fell in love with him instantly from the first sight. He always belonged to my mother more than us. Nobody loved him like she did and vice versa; and it was all with very good reasons. Zwartje was the nicest, loveliest, friendliest, most loyal family member we've ever got in our life. His dark fur colour and deep bark might have scared people the first time they met him, but compared to any other dogs we have had in the family, he was the one you would expect the least to bite you.

He passed away yesterday and it breaks my heart so much I can't stop crying. It doesn't seem like I will stop crying in the next fortnight. I know he was old. I know he had a good life. I know he knew that he was loved. And I know I had done everything I could to save him from the heart problem. I shouldn't regret anything; yet I still can't seem to stop the tears from falling. I just know that I'll miss him very much. I already do and I always will.

10:47 am
Day 35 of 365 grateful days project:


"I'm grateful that Michelle's Summer Visit was an Awesome One."


She spent most of the time with me since her mother, Ita, had to work at the day time and if she stayed with her, she'd have to go to her office every day. So I took her to the beach, let her play Wii while I was working and went shopping with her. 






I actually wished Ita would have spent her evenings at my place so that she could spend more time with her child instead of only weekends (also a break for me for babysitting the whole day). But she said that my place was too far from hers. That was not completely wrong, but what is 30 minutes ride every day for Michelle when she sees her only a couple of times a year? Some things you just don't understand. 


However, I didn't mind babysitting such a sweet kid like her. She's really far from being difficult. I heard (and saw) stories where children were so difficult and looking as if they had no manners at home or in public. But Michelle is nothing like that. Yes, she did demand quite intense attention but she wouldn't force her way to it. She'd be happy just to have someone to watch her play Wii; she'd be happy to "help" me in the kitchen breaking the eggs or washing veggies; and she'd be still happy when I didn't feel like cooking and just fed her instant noodle with poached egg. She is a grateful little girl who doesn't have too high expectation - something I am still constantly learning until now. The great thing about that? Well, you get surprises every day. No expectation, no disappointment, more surprises. Sounds good to me. 
9:09 am
Day 32 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful to meet Michelle again."

Michelle is in Bali!!!

She's my almost-7-year-old niece. She just got her annual school report yesterday and scores that make any mother proud of her! She almost failed in Javanese language subject, but that was never very important in our family. And now she is in Bali to spend the school holiday here.

We met at Café Moka to have brunch. Despite her long 12-hour bus journey from Surabaya to Denpasar, she seemed like she was still full of energy. She ordered a cute chocolate cupcake and was very happy to pose with it. :D
Michelle with her cupcake
And here is Ita and Michelle - mother and child, who meet several times in a year only. They seem to get along much more than before because every time they spend away from each other actually grows their love more.

Yeah, it was a nice family reunion. I'm looking forward to better time spent with my niece in the next 3 weeks.
7:47 am
Day 15 of 365 grateful days project.


"I'm grateful for the great, successful Mum's birthday celebration."


She woke up at 4 AM and insisted that I should not be falling asleep again. She talked and talked and talked for hours and how happy she was that I was there. It was her birthday so I tried my best to be awake at that weird hour.


Later that day, after Michelle came back from school (she had her final examination so she returned home earlier than usual), I made her my sous chef. We made macaroni schotel for starter, roasted chicken and potato wedges for the main course, and chocolate chip cookies for the dessert. I think there was never a time in my family's life to have three courses in a row. But this time we do. All baked with my Mum's brand new oven. :) 


Michelle, especially, was so excited that she was allowed to help. My mother never allows children to be around her in the kitchen when she cooks. She's afraid that something will happen to the kid: knife cutting the finger, or too close to the fire that they get burned. That's why I never knew how to cook until I was 27. For me, children should be acquainted to cooking in the kitchen from the early age. The more they are used to it and the danger of several things, the more they are aware of these. And they can develop their cooking skill from then on. And I mean how can you resist to smile to see this happy face of hers while she cooks?






And my mum was super happy because there was a change in the dishes consumed on her birthday this year. She'd been having pecel for her past birthdays. 
11:41 am
Day 14 of 365 grateful days project.


"I'm grateful for seeing my mother's surprised face as I went home from Carrefour with Michelle bringing an electric oven as her birthday gift."


Her jaw literally dropped.


Her own traditional oven had been broken a long time ago. She never said she wanted an oven but I could tell from the look of her face when she was staying at my place last year that she'd like to have one. But being as she is, she'll never ask you that. So Vincent and I agreed to buy her this electric oven, I think even better than mine, as her birthday present. I know that her birthday is tomorrow but I want the oven to be used tomorrow on her birthday.


I took Michelle to Carrefour to buy it and she asked me, "This oven is from me too, right, Tante Carla? I don't have money to buy Grandma anything."


I laughed and said yes. "You can tell Oma that the oven is from Tante Carla, Om Vincent and you."


Last year she had a piggy bank which she diligently filled every time she had coins. On my mum's birthday last year, she gave her the full piggy bank. She's such a sweet kid. :)
7:14 am
Day 13 of 365 grateful days project.


"I'm grateful for being in Surabaya for my Mum's birthday (Wednesday)."


It has been a while since go back to my hometown. I remember the last one being in July last year. And this time of the year is perfect to be back home with Mum and family. I needed a break from the routines and the usual look of my working space. Yes, I know I was on a short vacation with boyfriend last weekend, but I'm in need of more and more changes. And it's so good to see my mother, brother and niece again! All the loudness, all the expressive laughs, all the yelling and swearing; THAT is Surabaya, my friends.


As soon as I saw Michelle opening the gate of the house for me, gone away all the stress I've carried from the projects. As soon as I got my mom to kiss me, gone away all the annoyed feelings I had on the plane on the way here. I haven't told you? I was flying with the SMALLEST aircraft I've ever been, which took twice the time to fly from Denpasar to Surabaya, and there was this 5-year-old girl who kept crying at the airplane whom I was desiring to KILL! I also wanted to kick her parents (mother, especially) who thought that talking about POOP $ was what was going to comfort the child. Damn.


But it's all forgotten now. Yes, I'm still working hard while in Surabaya. My brother gives me his modem to work to make me stay longer here. But I'm working with a good feeling. 


So yes, it's good to be home. :)
2:59 am
Day 3 of 365 grateful days project.

"I'm grateful for my kitty, Mouche, and how she fills in when the loneliness strikes in."

I'm pretty sure she is grateful, too, for having me and Vincent to take care of her and love her. She might not be the cutest cat in the world and her introvert-ness is ridiculous, but we can see that she trusts us and is happy to be with us.
These are the Easter eggs I designed last month.
It pictures the days when we are old.
Left to right: Me, Vincent and Mouche.
6:56 am
He was born this day in 1945. At least that was what he estimated it to be. His parents didn't go to school and they didn't have his birth date recorded in the Gregorian calendar (or Christian calendar). All he knew that his mother said that he was born some time during the fasting month that year. So he counted and checked when the fasting month was in 1945 and he chose a date that could suit him and his personality.

But that's not important. What is important is we have a date when we can celebrate his birthday, even when he is not physically here with us.

We are all healed now from the pain when he left us in 1997. It was then and after the hardest time in our life ever. It was when we learnt that people were actually wearing masks, literally all the time. It was when we lost trust to even the closest tie of relatives and we gained it back through friends who did not have any blood relationship with us. His leaving us was super painful, but it taught us about life and people better than anything could.

I came across this French song that Vincent had in his playlist titled Mon Vieux (My Old Man). I always liked the tunes but I didn't know the meaning until last December. And my, it so described my dad and how it got me to cry like a baby. So I'm sharing the song here with you. It moves me a lot and it brings great memories about my father.



Lyric and translation courtesy of http://lyricstranslate.com
Dans son vieux pardessus râpé
Il s'en allait l'hiver, l'été
Dans le petit matin frileux
Mon vieux
Y'avait qu'un dimanche par semaine
Les autres jours, c'était la graine
Qu'il allait gagner comme on peut
Mon vieux
L'été, on allait voir la mer
Tu vois, c'était pas la misère
C'était pas non plus le paradis
Hé oui, tant pis
Dans son vieux pardessus râpé
Il a pris pendant des années
Le même autobus de banlieue
Mon vieux
Le soir en rentrant du boulot
Il s'asseyait sans dire un mot
Il était du genre silencieux
Mon vieux
Les dimanches étaient monotones
On ne recevait jamais personne
Ça ne le rendait pas malheureux
Je crois, mon vieux
Dans son vieux pardessus râpé
Les jours de paye, quand il rentrait
On l'entendait gueuler un peu
Mon vieux
Nous, on connaissait la chanson
Tout y passait : bourgeois, patrons
La gauche, la droite, même le bon Dieu
Avec mon vieux
Chez nous y'avait pas la télé
C'est dehors que j'allais chercher
Pendant quelques heures, l'évasion
Tu sais, c'est con !
Dire que j'ai passé des années
A côté de lui sans le regarder
On a à peine ouvert les yeux
Nous deux
J'aurais pu, c'était pas malin
Faire avec lui un bout de chemin
Ça l'aurait p'têt rendu heureux
Mon vieux
Mais quand on a juste quinze ans
On n'a pas le coeur assez grand
Pour y loger toutes ces choses-là
Tu vois
Maintenant qu'il est loin d'ici
En pensant à tout ça, je me dis
"J'aimerais bien qu'il soit près de moi"
Papa...

Translation:
In his old, threadbare overcoat
He would go off, in summer, in winter
In the little, cold morning
My old man
There was only one sunday a week
The rest of the week, he would work
To earn money like he could
My old man
In summer, we would go to the sea
You know, it wasn't misery
It wasn't paradise either
Yeah, too bad
In his old, threadbare overcoat
Several years long he took
The same suburb bus
My old man
In the evening, as he'd come back from work
He would sit down without saying a word
He was rather silent
My old man
Every sunday was monotonous
We would never invite anyone
But he wasn't sad about it
I guess, my old man
In his old, threadbare overcoat
On paydays, when he'd come back home
We could hear him shouting a little
My old man
To us, it was always the same old song
He'd criticise everything—rich people, bosses
The left, the right wing, even God
That was my old man
We didn't have TV at home
Instead, I'd go out for a walk
For some hours, to get out of it
That's dumb, ya know!
To think I spent several years
Beside him without ever giving him a look
We barely opened our eyes
The two of us
It wasn't very clever of me 'cause I could
Have accompanied to the bus stop for once
Perhaps he would've liked it
My old man
But when you're just fifteen
Your heart isn't big enough
To hold all those stuffs in it
You know
Now that he's far from here
When I remember all this, I think to myself
'I wish he were by my side right now'
DAD...

I guess I'm gonna make a birthday cake for him today.
8:00 am
I know, it's a week late greeting. But better late than never? :)

The fact is I was too occupied with entertaining my brother and the whole siblings in my house. I was excited before they came, but when they were actually here, it was a total BLAST! We had fun like we never did before. Here are some photos I took during my brother's vacation in Bali:
At Sticky Fingers, Echo beach

Merlin, Michael's girlfriend

The three of us, the grown up version

Michael and Merlin

At NYE dinner at Laurence's house
And here is one shot of the fireworks I took on New Year's Eve.
And the new kitty I adopted as Vincent's Christmas/New Year present. I made a blog just for him/her/it here.
My brother and his gf are gone now so I get busy with that kitty blog and my recipe blog.
3:12 pm
My brother, Michael, arrived on the 26th with his girlfriend. They are staying in my house until after New Year. My sister is staying here, too. So there is a bunch of loud people in this normally-quiet house. To be honest, it's good to have them here. With the alarming rate of what I've been going through this year, the cheerful shouts from my siblings are a good remedy. Such an oxymoron, but it's true.

Anyway, we were excited. And we spent their first day talking and talking. My brother and his girlfriend were tired from the 11-hour bus journey so they spent the rest of the day sleeping and relaxing. Only in the afternoon they went out shopping for Christmas gifts. We were planning to have a Christmas dinner in the evening and changing presents. My cousin was invited, too.

I cooked a super delicious Poulet Poivre that Vincent's mom taught me when she was here in July. I'll have to put the recipe in my kitchen blog soon so you can also practise it at home. It's dead simple but extremely delicious. For dessert I made crepe with strawberry sauce and sprinkles of icing sugar. Everybody was very happy with them. My sister and brother even almost fought for the last piece of chicken, but I reminded them that it was supposed to be for my cousin. Anyway, he didn't come at all in the end, not even the next day... The presents were just lying around there in the living room. Too bad.

Anyway, these are the photos I took of the Christmas dinner.
Christmas presents. Only mine were wrapped in  real gift wrappers. The others went economical with the unused paper

Michael and Merlin

Dinner's main course: Poulet Poivre, mashed potatoes, rice

The reunion of the siblings

Ita got a purse, a fancy toothbrush container and a hat

Michael got a pair of surf shorts, a bag, and a pair of sandals

Merlin got a bottle of sandalwood massage oil, a bag and a pair of shorts

I got a necklace, a pair of sandals and a flower hair pin

Then we have the dessert, a crepe with strawberry sauce
12:02 am
I have been trying hard to finish all projects today so that I won't have to work during the Christmas week. But of course something had to come up.

It started with my mother's fight with Ita this morning. Basically it was a plain misunderstanding (stupid things come out from SMS communication, I really don't understand why people prefer SMSes than talking directly). Then my mother called me to rant about it. As usual, it didn't stop there. If there was no drama in my family, it wouldn't be my family. This is what she had to say:

"I've had enough of this life. All my children failed me. Including you. None of them would listen to what I say, leave alone doing it. I'm a failed mother and I am ashamed of it. I'm tired of this life and if God want to take me, He can do it any time now."

I told her she was exaggerating things. It was just a misunderstanding and she didn't need to go that far saying those things. Besides, it's Christmas...

"Christmas is dead to me. Christmas is in your heart and I don't feel any peace, not from any of you behaving like what you want, hurting me all the time this year."

I asked her how I hurt her. And why didn't I know that I hurt my own mother? What did I say?

"Remember when I asked you about your status with Vincent? It was your second anniversary and yes, I was happy for you. But when I asked you if it was going anywhere, you were mad at me and you accused me that I was rushing you into marriage, that it was your life and you had all rights to decide it like you wanted. You said whether you wanted to marry him or just forever be his girlfriend, that was your own problem. I had no voice or whatsoever to decide your life. I'd remember that and I never asked you anymore about that. But it hurt my feelings."

Yeah, I think I did say those things. Not in the way she explained to me, but it was more or less the idea that I said. I asked her if she was interested in knowing what I felt back then when she asked me that. She said no. But truthfully, even I got sick of those questions. Me, the very me who goes for the real things in life, who thinks that a signed black-and-white paper is just a seal of a commitment of two lovers in love, who doesn't want to rush things, who expects that if a marriage happens, it has to happen because we both want it and not that we are socially forced by others. But it's just too much. I'd hear that a hundred times every time I went back to Surabaya. I'd hear that from my happily married former boss. I'd hear that from my pembantu and the surrounding Balinese people who were questioning my relationship status. I already put a blindfold and earplugs so that I wouldn't have to see their smirk and listen to their thoughts. I'd do anything to stay in this relationship I cherished so much that it stayed alive as long as we could keep it alive. Besides, I honestly don't care what people think. None of them.

But I do care about what my mother thinks. It is still my life and I am the one to decide it where it should go. But never did I want to hurt her. And it seemed plain impossible to make her understand that marriage was not a necessity. Not the end of the deal. Not when you still see so many people cheating on their spouses under the so-called marriage. Not when there are children involved. Yes, it would be nice to be married one day, but if I ever want to do that, I want it to happen for the right reasons! Ideally not because I am carrying a man's child and that's why I have to get married. She was married twice and she was not happy in either of them. Why couldn't she understand that? At the very least, when you are not married, it is less complicated to break up if you think that man is not for you. Right?

But she is right for one thing. Christmas is in your heart. And I don't feel it. As much as I have wanted to get the Christmas spirit this year, it was already dying when Vincent flew to France. He is my family now. One of the few most important people in my life. But even with that notion, I spent some time doubting it this year. And now my mother is sad, my sister is pissed, my brother is out of luck, my cousin feels neglected and I am terribly sad and lonely.

It is officially the worst Christmas ever.
11:44 am
I have had too many ups and downs this year. More than once I thought that I couldn't work things out, that things were getting out of hands, and that I was unhappy.

And I was never unhappy since I recovered from my hardest period after my dad died in 1997.

I am looking around me now... at the best ammenities that surround me, at the spacious house with the lovely gadgets that fill it in, at the bamboo tree next to the huge window in my living room where the birds chirp happily, at the man who I trust to love me. They are all that I ever wanted. But ironically I feel lonely anyway.

I do have friends. But this year has treated us so badly that none of us could be more positive than the others to at least influence our mood to a better one (except Carol, but she was just passing by, the Morrocan deserted life has her). I saw them brokenhearted. I saw myself brokenhearted. Their lives were sort of falling apart, while mine was hanging on a tight rope.

When things were getting slightly better, there was always something that stood in the way to ruin it. It has been an endless, annoying, tiring emotional journey.

And I am still here... because in a rather strange way, I believe if I can survive this year, next year there will be a great reward waiting for me and the people around me.

So yes, unlike the other Decembers I have ever had so far (not even the December of the year when my father died), I am not looking forward to the festivities and the funs. Because somehow I know it won't be fun.

I just can't wait to get over the month and get to 2011.
5:55 am
So many things have happened during my absence in blogging. One of the reasons is that I write more for money than take photos these past two months. I've been so sick and tired of writing that I couldn't put effort on taking care of my blog -- which is another writing. But I realised that it wasn't fair. So I am just gonna try to post short recaps of how life has been going on so far. They may not be in chronological order but they are still updates anyway.

First one, my mother and niece, Michelle, came to Bali for a holiday (Sept 6 to Sept 17, I think). They were staying in my house as usual, and Ita was taking a week off from work so she could be with her daughter more. We even made family pictures (I pioneered the idea after seeing our last family photos were taken when I was.... nine. It's a horrid fact for a photographer! I made nice photos of other people and family, but not mine). So we were heading to this nice beach in Canggu called Echo -- some good swells for surfers, black sand and interesting rocks to texturize the beach. Did I tell you I made awesome photos for a client a couple of months ago? If not, check it out here, and below are some of the shots from our family rendesvous (girls only).




6:05 am
After dreading that I could not communicate well with Vincent's mother for a couple of weeks before they came, Nicole and Marc are finally here and things are not looking so bad.

In fact, it's been awesome. I have never been this busy since I quit my job at Fabio's, and it feels good.

In summary, their stay has been more effective for me to practise my French than one year learning at Alliance Française. Of course the fact that Vince's mom doesn't speak English kind of pushed that to happen. At first I thought it would be more dreadful than a DELF/DALF test because this is my future mother-in-law we are talking about, but no, it is far from scary. Nicole tries as much as I do in communicating with each other. Of course a lot of times we throw each other a blank look, but as Inga said, body language works very effectively. :)

Here's the recap of their stay so far:
  • Saturday, 19th of June, they arrived at 7:30. We met Laurence at the airport when we picked them up and she told me not to worry. At home, I was happy with Nicole's small present of a necklace with a cupid pendant. She loves one of my black and white photos of an old woman in Tegal. I am going to print another one on canvas so that she can bring it home in two weeks.
  • Sunday, 20th of June, we went to Andy and Nicole's villa in Nusa Dua. Had such a great time. Joanne and David were there. Also Greg, Sandrine and their two girls. I decided that I liked Charlotte, their youngest.
  • Monday, 21st of June, Vincent went to work, so I took Nicole and Marc shopping at Seminyak and Legian area. It was kind of funny to see them. So excited to see anything. However, they didn't realise that their one step was two for me. I ended up really tired in the evening with my both feet swollen. Vincent was luckily being a good boy and giving me a massage.
  • Tuesday, 22nd of June, Vincent took a day off from the office and we went to Geger beach in Nusa Dua. Nice relaxing time. I got another massage from the ibu-ibu masseuses at the beach, which restored my energy completely. After my lesson (I was one hour late), we went to Warung Gossip in Kerobokan to watch the French national team got beaten up by the South African. They are now officially out of the 2010 World Cup. :P
  • Wednesday, 23rd of June, Vincent went to Jakarta to pick up his renewed passport. Nicole, Marc and I went browsing more shops near our place. They were both very tired from the tight activities the previous days so it didn't take very long. Marc was upset though because Nicole kept touching every dog and cat and this one small dog followed her every where. We had to tell her that it was not good to touch every stray animal here, but I left that to Marc. He speaks better French than me; Haha...
I don't know yet what we are going to do today. But hey, another fun thing perhaps.
7:58 pm
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