Listening to: Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang.

This is a fine Monday. My mother woke me up at about 5 a.m. as usual, asking me if I was better from my sore eyes and if I went to teach. I answered no, and continued sleeping. I was chatting with the mischievous love in the middle of the night to 2:30 and he suggested me to take a Bleidag to rest my eyes. I agreed to take a break in teaching, so I sorta enjoyed the relaxing morning.. until Michelle cried loudly when she was bathed.

I woke up and remembered that I promised to bake some brownies for Michelle's one month old celebration and A Lung's birthday. I bought some kacang mede and Blue Band the day before so I prepared all the needed ingredients and started working. Baking was always fun. I finished it just in time before leaving for work and brought with me some chocolate snack A Lung brought from Tarakan to share with my beloved colleagues.

Target of last month could be handled very well at last and I was a bit relieved. So the day went by smoothly, until I got 5 emails from Rusty containing summaries of my old emails I sent him when we were still together [yeah he was trying to make me remember our old happy times].

1st email received. Oh..
2nd at 3 minutes later. OK..
3rd at the seventh minute after. Well..
4th coming up shortly afterwards. Getting pissed off..
5th. Losing patience!

I replied the 5th email with a short one:
Could you please stop it??? It's annoying.

Veve was urging me to go for dinner at just the same moment, so I left my computer and tried to get some fresh air in my lungs to cool me down.

Back from dinner, 3 new emails were awaiting. All from him. The first two were alright. But the third one just made me really cross! He went crazy saying that I did all the shitty things to him and I should stop being mean coz all he meant was for good. He cursed, prescribed good logical love tricks that I should do; i.e. find a better man as any other smart girls would do, and told me that I should be just much nicer to the people who love me.

I took a whole deep heavy breath and inquired myself not to answer that email at the very moment; instead getting Veve and Shierly into a personal conference, digging second and third opinions about this sensitive matter. A half an hour later I made up my mind what I should tell him, trying to be less emotional and collected, I sent an email back to him; asking him politely to apply those "suggestion" he generously gave me to himself. I told him I appreciated everything he did but at the same time reminded him that it was already a then. It was beautiful alright, and I never meant to forget everything we'd been through, but even if I don't get the love I wanted from the man I love right now, I still can't get back to him. What is a relationship without love from both sides? It's a feeling that matters, right?

20:30 he seemed to get home already and sent me a message through yahoo messenger, making up a scene that he didn't love me anymore and that he already had a girl friend (also from Surabaya) named Ida.

Good thing actually. But what the hell has he been doing these past three months getting me back to him? Well I didn't argue then. It's good that he tried to save his face that way (no matter if the girl really exists or not), at least I didn't have to provide more reasons to make him understand that the feeling is not there anymore.

I should also tell myself the same thing concerning my vague "friendship" with the cutie somewhere in this earth. But I don't wanna bother cause I don't bother him with this status issue at the moment. Besides, I promised to be a good friend for him; and if my love has to be a one-sided love, I'll let it be. When it's time to change, I'll know.

Now he's gone I don't know why
And till this day sometimes I cry
He didn't say goodbye he didn't take the time to lie
Bang Bang..

1:36 pm

Saturday, 30 July 2004

Finally Saturday had come. I was lazying around till noon doing nothing. I was smsing with Rina after lunch and she wanted to go out with me that evening to TP. So I picked her up at 4:30 and went we there by bemo.

Jun was going to meet us at 5 but we seemed to be very late (it takes an hour to TP usually). At first we felt lucky that the bemo driver drove really fast like he was in a hurry. Until it turned at an intersection and cut all the way to the right when there was a bus coming from behind going to the left. Both were quite fast and they hit each other. I grabbed Rina's arm and we screamed a little for the bus is twice the size of our bemo and both did have a little crash on the sides. Instead of apologizing, the bemo driver was swearing to the bus driver and went away. Rina and I shook our heads said: "Crazy."

The rest of the evening was fun and fine. Jun introduced us to her highschool friend (whose name I've already forgotten hihi.. sorry girl, I'm not very good at names). We spent a couple of hours at Pizza Hut chatting and went to Sogo for some books browsing. Just before the plaza was closed, we went home feeling better for having some issues shared.

Sunday, 1 August 2004

I actually had a wedding invitation at WTC this evening but I just didn't feel like going. Eva, one of the English teachers at our place, was getting married and the thing IS I am never close to her and I can't even remember her face. Oh well.. I didn't go at last, since my mother has asked me (forced is the better word) to go to Giant Hypermarket to buy her a TV. Our old TV is finally broken and she asked me to lend her some money to buy it like 3 days before. In the meantime, everytime I went back from the office she always asked, "Where's my TV?"

@#*%7^$%#^@!@&^%#@$

She surely didn't think I spent the whole day having fun somewhere, did she? How could I go for a TV when I had to work my ass off for completing my work target?

Anyway, I got tired of hearing it so I did what she wanted. I told her to pick one and then rushed to my student's house, Ian, for a private teaching. My head was spinning coz of the crowds at the hypermarket and my eyes hurt really bad. I taught for 2 hours and bringing home some macaroni schotel of Ian's mother and some Dutch chocolate they brought me for oleh-oleh, I took bemo BM home when the sore in my eyes got worse and I hardly could focus. I slept all the way home and when I had to get off of it, I couldn't find any becak!!! Damn it. I walked then, trying to keep my steps steady till I got home safely. I didn't bother to take off my clothes and went directly to bed to close my eyes.

It was the second time I had this shitty sore eyes. I don't know why I got that and I don't dare to go to a doctor to check. :(

2:12 pm

Listening to: Paco Fernandez - Oh Home

I feel better. It's still vague here and there 'bout my recent issues but I could finally generate ideas, though still unclear, for me and for Mr. Him. As for my dogs, it's still an irritating thing to talk about them and I absolutely am reluctant to discuss it.

I forgot to bring my lunch box again yesterday so I had my mother prepare it in another disposable lunch pack. I heard again for nine thousand five hundred and twenty six times many people say: "I'm just so amazed that you don't forget your nose, Carla."

That should be the next item to improve in my "Gonna be more organized" project agenda.

Damn this is the end of the work days in the end of this month and I'm still not encouraged to get my target completed!!! I'm so bored.. I was very determined to get the bonus earlier.. but it doesn't seem really matter now.

Marijnboy chatted with me a little today, getting up very late for work. No mandi but washing face, brushing teeth and sprays of deodorant here and there and done. But still, in the very short moment he was busy preparing things, he was chatting with me. I loved it.. and appreciated it. It quite made my day. Hihihi.. it's so funny when you see small things like that can make a girl happy.

O well.. I hope tomorrow is even better. Hoping as well I can keep my eyes open till I complete all work and get my target fulfilled.

Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
[Back to Life - Soul II Soul]
 
Pray for me.

4:26 pm

Wallpaper of the day: Phone Booth. Yes this is not a new movie. My cousin and other members of the family also say that this is not a pretty good movie of Collin Farrell. But I did not quite agree. It shows us somehow about trust-betrayal and the honesty itself. 

I have no meaning intended for the things happening to me lately *raising both hands backwards*.. I watched this like a year ago or so.

8:06 pm

This must be a complete sad devastating day.

Not yet feeling better from the last night's aggression with my dearest, other things came up to upset me.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like pooping (which was a good thing, considering it's always been a nasty problem to me). My stomach kept aching so I decided to just be awake and do something. Last Sunday was Michael's birthday and I couldn't find anything decent to give to him. I was thinking to make it up by making him a brownies.

While preparing all the ingredients, my mother informed me about the death of one of Reta's hamsters. It was eaten by the other hamsters. I was angry again and asked the people in the house to call Reta and asked her to bring the hamsters along with her so that SHE takes care of them, instead of receiving compliments of being such a patient 15 year old girl that loves her pets! But nobody would. Trying to ignore the pity I felt for the poor innocent creature, I continued baking, till I saw the body of the dead hamster, laying down in its cage.. without a head.

I felt like throwing up!

Later on, my mother told me that she was absolutely overwhelmed with 4 dogs and 2 puppies at home. She was going to sell Snowy, Sukkel, Jerry and Teddy. WELL, she refused this person and that person who wanted to take care of the pups and NOW SHE'S GOING TO SELL THEM????? She always campaigns that she hates people who cruelly abandons their pets. Even Jerry, one of the pups, was actually already given to Michael's friend, but my mother didn't allow him to take it back since she decided that he didn't really care for Jerry. True. But now selling Jerry?? Come on!

Pups and the other dogs are different case. We might not have too big bound with the pups for they're really little (cute) bastards, but Sukkel and Snowy were also sold, too!!! Snowy has been behaving bad lately, that's correct.. but she's been staying with us so long! And Sukkel... Like his name, which means stupid in Dutch (don't blame me, I didn't suggest that name), is stupid in real. Unlike Zwartje and Kabuki that understand what we say, Sukkel tends to ignore people's sayings in the house. But he's the sweetest heart after Zwartje! He always cleaned Zwartje's and Kabuki's eyes in the morning and he played with the pups (Teddy and Jerry) when the other dogs don't want to play with them. He's just a bit slow and fussy and not as handsome as Zwartje and Kabuki. But is it enough reason to ban him out?

My brother, sister and I were watching as Sukkel and Snowy were put into rice sacks with holes for them to breathe. Michael didn't say a word, all muscles in his face were tightened. Ita's look was horribly angry. And I.. went to the bathroom, poured myself with as much water as I could, and cried almost soundlessly. Just like the day when Buang, my first dog, was thrown away in the street by my parents for biting a neighbour.

Tell me.. why do people have pets when they don't want to take care of them? Why did my sister and her husband decide to have a baby if later they'd send her to her husband's parents instead of taking care of her themselves? Why do we have to create a great tight bound with a living thing when we cannot really share ourselves with them?

I don't understand.

I slept last night with wonders.. how are Snowy and Sukkel feeling right now? Are they hurt? Do they think we don't love them?

Coz I wouldn't want to be in their place.. Who would want to be dissed by people we love? :(

8:26 pm

My eyes were narrowed when I accidentaly looked at the very bright sky this noon on bemo on the way to the office. Nice cheerful weather we were having today.. unlike the clouds in my head and heart.

I began to re-think the whole things about my coming-to-Holland plan. A must to do agenda after my chat with my Mr. Guy last night. I found that it was still the same. Still a one-way love that I'm feeling, though it's more grey when I try to adjust it with he says and what he does, which annoyingly very much different in its practice.

Why do people have to complicate love and its elements? Why don't they just feel it and act like what they feel? Why does love need a definition and why should we analyse it, knowing much too well that it's already complicated without being analysed? Why should there be a general idea of how love is and what effects it should influence the feelers? Why should there be terms of -impossible- or -too much- in socialisation? Why can't we just act and feel like the way it is naturally? Why can't one just smile and be happy to get much love from a person that they don't mind him/her having the feeling for him/her? Why do people choose to be lonely and sad instead of accepting a possibility of being loved and cheered by a person he also loves?!

I'm saying those NOT in the term that one hates the other.

Why should I be hanging here, being loved and unloved by my loved one, depending on how the tide he's having? Does love make me irrational and stupid? Do I lose my mind cause of it?I've been forcing my brain to find out the answer and it says no. I still have my sanity with me. My logics as well as my heart.

The logic says I shouldn't have loved him in the first place. I've never set a criteria of how my guy should be like but people who just know his surface always wonder why I get to fall in love with him. I never listened to them of course, neither does my logic. What it objects is that cause he doesn't believe in this thing called "love". It's already hard to build and/or maintain a love to a normal guy who believes in it; it's even twice or five times more work with him. I'd always told myself not to have fallen in love with this extraordinary sweet and mean person, but who could stop when love knocks your heart?

My heart.. the 75% role in my decisive life suggests me to just go with the flow. No matter how much I planned my life and tried to deny the feelings raising up for him, my heart teaches me to be true and honest. It reminds me how much I regretted when my father's gone without ever hearing me, or my brother or my sister, or even my mother, that we loved him. Sure he knew it but isn't it always nice to hear and be admitted that you are loved, and that you exist in someone's life, that you play a role and are valued somehow by someone. My regret as well for my first love: getting trapped into Indonesian social rules and lying all my feelings up till he really left. No more hiding love. Not for Carla. Not ever again.

I love him. And I'd love to win my heart in this tough mind discussion. At the same time, I don't want to upset my logic. So I've set reasonable plans and reasons to back up my heart's decision. Why.. I'm 25 next month.. If it's not now, when can I satisfy my love? Though in the end I know I will get nothing in return, at least I tried. At least I loved. I get the feeling that I should win my logic sometime in the future. 5 years time is an estimated time till I have to consider a planned settled life for myself. I may then have to set aside my feelings and think more universally. So why should I bother about it before the time?

My love is not blind. I have my sanity with me. It's just a matter of choice. And this is what I choose now.

Don't tell me I'm stupid cause I'm not. Don't tell me what to do, cause I decide my life. You should not worry cause my decision concerns him. When he feels not good, I won't go on. I'm sane enough to consider that this is a two-person issue.

In either way, this might be the last thing I can do for him. Or for a love I feel..

... before my time's up and a new responsible Carla is created,
... before I regret again..

1:30 pm

It's Monday.
Almost the end of the month.
Targets approaching to get fulfilled.
Having to lead the knowledge sharing next week without knowing what to share.
Feeling like saving money but hardly able.

I need you, you need me.
Is it the limit of our whatever-ship?
Can't you exist for me when I don't need you for a particular purpose?
Do I only exist when you need me?
Are you only there when I need you?

I am loved
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Aren't I?

1:33 pm