I have been trying hard to finish all projects today so that I won't have to work during the Christmas week. But of course something had to come up.
It started with my mother's fight with Ita this morning. Basically it was a plain misunderstanding (stupid things come out from SMS communication, I really don't understand why people prefer SMSes than talking directly). Then my mother called me to rant about it. As usual, it didn't stop there. If there was no drama in my family, it wouldn't be my family. This is what she had to say:
"I've had enough of this life. All my children failed me. Including you. None of them would listen to what I say, leave alone doing it. I'm a failed mother and I am ashamed of it. I'm tired of this life and if God want to take me, He can do it any time now."
I told her she was exaggerating things. It was just a misunderstanding and she didn't need to go that far saying those things. Besides, it's Christmas...
"Christmas is dead to me. Christmas is in your heart and I don't feel any peace, not from any of you behaving like what you want, hurting me all the time this year."
I asked her how I hurt her. And why didn't I know that I hurt my own mother? What did I say?
"Remember when I asked you about your status with Vincent? It was your second anniversary and yes, I was happy for you. But when I asked you if it was going anywhere, you were mad at me and you accused me that I was rushing you into marriage, that it was your life and you had all rights to decide it like you wanted. You said whether you wanted to marry him or just forever be his girlfriend, that was your own problem. I had no voice or whatsoever to decide your life. I'd remember that and I never asked you anymore about that. But it hurt my feelings."
Yeah, I think I did say those things. Not in the way she explained to me, but it was more or less the idea that I said. I asked her if she was interested in knowing what I felt back then when she asked me that. She said no. But truthfully, even I got sick of those questions. Me, the very me who goes for the real things in life, who thinks that a signed black-and-white paper is just a seal of a commitment of two lovers in love, who doesn't want to rush things, who expects that if a marriage happens, it has to happen because we both want it and not that we are socially forced by others. But it's just too much. I'd hear that a hundred times every time I went back to Surabaya. I'd hear that from my happily married former boss. I'd hear that from my pembantu and the surrounding Balinese people who were questioning my relationship status. I already put a blindfold and earplugs so that I wouldn't have to see their smirk and listen to their thoughts. I'd do anything to stay in this relationship I cherished so much that it stayed alive as long as we could keep it alive. Besides, I honestly don't care what people think. None of them.
But I do care about what my mother thinks. It is still my life and I am the one to decide it where it should go. But never did I want to hurt her. And it seemed plain impossible to make her understand that marriage was not a necessity. Not the end of the deal. Not when you still see so many people cheating on their spouses under the so-called marriage. Not when there are children involved. Yes, it would be nice to be married one day, but if I ever want to do that, I want it to happen for the right reasons! Ideally not because I am carrying a man's child and that's why I have to get married. She was married twice and she was not happy in either of them. Why couldn't she understand that? At the very least, when you are not married, it is less complicated to break up if you think that man is not for you. Right?
But she is right for one thing. Christmas is in your heart. And I don't feel it. As much as I have wanted to get the Christmas spirit this year, it was already dying when Vincent flew to France. He is my family now. One of the few most important people in my life. But even with that notion, I spent some time doubting it this year. And now my mother is sad, my sister is pissed, my brother is out of luck, my cousin feels neglected and I am terribly sad and lonely.
It is officially the worst Christmas ever.
