Fun Friday Night

I had been wanting to go clubbing for 2 weeks. It seemed to be so long since the last time I danced and had a great time at a club. So off I went to Desperados with Rina, Shierly, Arief and his boyfriend.

A few hours before I drank my last Porto wine with workmates, as they'd like to taste and experience the feeling of drinking red wine. We shared it in a really small amount, and they liked it. Justine even felt a bit weird in her head after having a small sip of it. Having a flavour of the nice red wine, I was thinking to take alcohol again in the club, after a year alcohol fasting.

So I did.. ordered a medium draught beer - Bintang, and drank, and danced and everything. Unfortunately I was just too tired that day, that I slept on the sofa of Despa... again!!! We left earlier than usual and I was hardly awake on the way home. I couldn't have got drunk, could I?!?! But I probably was, cause I also felt itches all over my body, just like the time I drank my first cocktail a few years ago! My blood seemed to need an adjustment after being absent for quite a time.

I slept as soon as I smelled my pillow and didn't wake up till 12, when Michelle cried out so fuckin' loud. I forced myself to wake up then, only for an hour, and collapsed again in bed.

I think I was indeed a little drunk.

Hangover and Stayover

Vanie woke me up and reminded me to be at her house at 4 o'clock sharp for our hang over at PTC. I said ok, hang up the phone, and slept again.

I overslept, as predicted. But the others were lagging as well, so it was already dark when we arrived at the new mall. I browsed some shoes and bought myself a pair (I had to for I broke 3 pairs in one month!).

I stayed the night at Vanie's. Her mother was already very worried that she called Vanie a few times before we got back to her house at almost midnight.

New Haircut and Shopping

We woke up in the morning, washed ourselves and went to Bo's indekost for having pecel breakfast together. Then Vanie asked (read: forced) Bo to accompany us to Giant Hypermarket. He finally said yes, as he had no other plans to do that day. But at Giant, he might be pretty bored waiting for us having our hair cut and browsing every stall. Hihihi.. sorry Bo Bo Bo Bola Pingpong!!! :D

My hair, as well as Vanie, is so very short right now. I previously even wanted to have a shorter cut, but didn't cause it'd just make me even look fatter. Hehe.. But I'm pretty happy with it. My head feels lighter now and I don't have to comb it too often. :P
Finally after some hard time, I can (read: forced by Coolz) continue the stories of my bemo experience.

You can read Story 1 and Story 2 here.

What I love and hate most about traveling around by bemo is the time when I have to switch from Bemo A to Bemo B at the terminal Jayabaya. Love is the fact that I can watch more people with more diversities in acts and says. While hate is the terminal is just the least comfortable place to visit and/or transit; i.e. pickpockets, sexual abuses, cheats etc. Belows are a few of the stories.

Story 3.

It happened when I was still working at CDU about last year or the year before. It was a beautiful morning, indeed, with the sun shining warmly all over the place. I had to take Bemo V at the Jayabaya terminal, and as usual it's all crowded with people going off for work. They filled up the bemo until they could see that there was no other inch-space on the seats of the vehicle. Seven in the left, two in the right, two beside the driver, two sitting backwards, and one sitting in the back on a disrespectable little wooden seat, pressed by the other people's knees in both sides. Yet, the passengers did willingly take any available seats, for the sake of being on time to work.

There were these three men, chatting joyfully to one another. Until the bemo was almost full, one of them suddenly exclaimed: "Hey, isn't this bemo going to Sepanjang?" The other passengers said no. Laughing, they all got out of the bemo and went away.


"Oh shit... my handphone was stolen," a guy sitting in front of me said. Everyone directly put great attention to him. His face was troubled and annoyed. No wonder, cause we all knew who did that.

Yes, those three men who pretended to take the wrong bemo.


Story 4.

About a month ago, I jumped out of Bemo P, and luckily got the next bemo (Bemo O) I should be in in almost no time.

The back seats were not too full. There were two boys in their twenties in the very back and three guys of thirties in the rather front of the place. I came in and took a seat in front of the three guys, sitting diagonally and giving my back to one of them. After a few hundreds meter, the guy beside me (or behind me, whatever) started to act like being land-sick. He made sound of vomitting and frequently touched my back (or bag) as if he wanted to get a hold. He mumbled sorry that he was sick, but kept his hands on my back as if he was trying to throw up, which failed and could only spit on the floor of the bemo.

I felt uneasy and very much annoyed.

Even a stupid person should have seen that he was not at all pale or sick. He was just acting like it and repeating spitting and spitting dirtily on the floor of the bemo, when he could actually throw up out of the window! And why the hell did he keep holding on me when I was sitting in a quite of a distance from him?!

I knew he was planning something bad, so I got my awareness to the maximum level.

Another passenger asked me to move instead beside him, but I still got the feeling that this one other guy was also not good, though he was smiling all over and trying to be nice. I moved, as suggested, prefering to avoid the dirt of the spitting action the other man was producing, but I still got my hold on my bag tighter, with its front openning facing my chest.

Not long after that, the three men got out of the bemo and paid the fare. I was frowning in dislikes.

I stopped on Jl. Kertajaya Indah at the same time another passenger who sat beside the driver also got out of the car. My mood was already not very good when he started to talk to me as we walked. But something in his words got me interested.

"Lady, those three men who got out before you, were pickpockets. Check your belongings now, if any were stolen."

I was not a bit surprised and knew that I protected my bag quite well, but checked it anyway. As expected, nothing was missing.

The kind man smiled and asked me to remember the trick they just did, and to be careful. He said he wanted to warn all of us in the back, but he didn't dare enough to confront them.

I thanked him. Though I already knew pretty good what the three men were aiming.

To be continued..
Look at me, you may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday, it's as if I play a part
Now I see, if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
[Reflection - OST. Mulan]

For a few days I was strong, lately I've been sweet and courageous, tomorrow I may be happy and supportive. Tonight.. I just wanna be wild. Opening another bottle of my Australian wine would probably be a good idea. Get myself in my own fantasy world, dreaming like Alice in Wonderland and create my only own story. I'll do everything to make this long weekend worth; after deciding not to take another vacation to save some Rupiahs.

Surface is what is important at the time being. I don't even dare to look inside as it does not sound very wise to feel miserable when I need to feel happy. Like manipulating the movies pictures in the photoshop, I'll do my best to manipulate my mask and heart. Though it's gonna be just so hard for the latest, or even impossible, I'll face the truth later.

Tot ziens, Heart!

Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts
I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing or two - I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

[Love Hurts, The Everly Brothers]

Here I am.. alone again, as I always was. But now even more alone without any hold that someone I love cares about me anymore. *Sigh*
Remembering the old times.. how I used to insist so much to get a break of loving contact with my beloved one who could never give any promise or hope. Remembering how he used to insist not to break any contact as I wished, for - selfishly - he did not want to lose me. Remembering that we used to have so many emotional contacts and conversations with him struggling to keep his negative thoughts about love and relationship alive. Remembering how I used to explain him that I couldn't afford to be his real friend cause I could never hear anything about another girl if he found one later. Remembering that we always found a dead end in the argumentations; and left everything hanging in the air, with more winning scores in his side.
Now that it happened, as I predicted long before, as I sensed shortly before he admitted it - I was trapped again in my worst nightmare that had been haunting me for these past 8 months. No more discussion in his side to make me stay, as he always did before. Even a "don't bother about me anymore" request was what came out of his last lines.
180 degree.
Upside down.
So hard to keep me before, so easy to lose me in a blink of an eye.
What a miracle a sex can change you in a second.
I won't count what I did for him cause I did all for love. Sincerely. No return expected. Yet it was hard to send this apology email to Tom and Tina for cancelling my trip to Holland. Thanking them for all their help to get my visa through.
I hate myself for crying. Cause I should have expected this, cause this is not the first time, cause he doesn't deserve any single tear. But I'll get over it. I'm strong. As always. Though for now, no more trust in men. They're just good when they need something from you.
Just wanna share what I saw during my journeys around Surabaya by bemo. No specific date can be told, but I remember each happening.

Story 1.

That bemo V, unlike the other ones, was clean, cozy and smooth. It was new obviously. There were only 2 passengers and 1 kernet on the vehicle, when it moved to the left of the road, allowing the kernet to advertise the empty seats to the passengers-to-be. An old woman with kebaya was waving her arm and quickly ran towards it. She had a big fish-smelly basket on her head and was sweating hard when she got into the side door of the bemo. As soon as she put her basket on the floor of the public transportation, the driver shooed her with harsh words, telling her that a good bemo shouldn't have a smelly nasty passenger like her.

She took her basket back to her head slowly. I saw the hurt feeling in her eyes and got hurt as well. Almost had a single tear for her, but...

  • Bemo = a public transportation in Indonesia; minibus-like.
  • Kernet = a person who accompanies the bemo driver to advertise it (by yelling and shouting) and to whom we pay the fare.
  • Kebaya = traditional Javanese clothing for women.

Story 2.

On bemo, I normally turn my handphone off. Pickpockets are familiarly found in such place so I always try to be cautious.

This girl was taking the bemo I was on, and having a seat right in front of me. To avoid sleepiness which can cause me lacking my awareness, I usually observe my fellow passengers on bemo. But I don't think I needed to have a second look to this girl to suspect that she was an ayam. She wore a tight t-shirt and blue jeans (which are normal to wear by Surabayan girls), but something in her aura made people easily think that she was "different". She sat like she was on a comfy couch, taking a wide angle for herself and played with her cell. Her eyebrows are cleanly shaved (or waxed, whatever). In replacement there are very curved fake brown eyebrows, painted by a make up pencil. I didn't comment it aloud, of course, when I thought it was strange to apply it to her actually-sweet face. Until two "women" took a place beside her.

The women looked dirty, but they did act very feminine. My eyes would have been still on the handphone girl if I didn't hear one of them talking.. in a man's voice. They started to speak in a language I didn't understand. Gay's language. I remembered my gay cousin once told me about the specific language the gays created. And vaguely I caught them talking about the girl who sat beside them.

The handphone girl hopped out of the bemo in front of Mitra and left. One of the "women" commented harshly, "Huh.. Lonte!" My lips curved up to perform a vague smile in response of his comment, and got a glimpse of understanding of what he said in his language. He was very much disturbed when the girl, intentionally or not, touched her breasts on his back. The other "woman" suddenly felt the need to explain me, "Itu lonte, Mbak. Lonte murahan." ["That was a hooker, Miss. Cheap one."]. I saved my laugh and just smiled to them.

  • Ayam = chicken; in this case: hooker.
  • Lonte = a very harsh expression to describe a hooker.

To be continued...

I'm back, my dear Blogger fans!

After having a bad first level mental crisis of aging, I finally managed to accept that I am now over 25. I've had these worries for 3 weeks that getting 25 could be such a nightmare for someone who still feels like 17. Time slips away so easily. How come was I not aware that I was getting closer to having white hair all over? Ok, I exageratted it. But when was the time when I was 20? 21? 22? 23? 24? Did I skip it just like that or did I just ride on a time machine?

Well, I had some discussions 'bout it with Veve a few days before I had my birthday and she told me not to worry; it's a normal thing to have and I still have just a looooooong way to go and enjoy myself. Yet it was not enough to make me feel better. I spent each day without realizing what I actually did. My world evolved around myself, my teaching job, my website job, Marijn's emails and installing, uninstalling and reinstalling the troublesome The Sims Unleashed and Makin' Magic. Did I do anything else? I can't remember. *fake Dory's voices from far away*

Till that scary day came. I woke up, called in sick at school, played computer game the whole day, got calls and smses to wish me the merriest birthday (I had to recharge the cell's battery again for that), until the time came for me for Excellogix, getting a sweet sweet cake from beloved workmates, kisses and hugs, surprise party in the evening (for Dinny as well as she's leaving), I knew I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I acted like it, though. Smiles and laughs. Appreciation flew. I did appreciate all. But what happened was I locked myself in the office's toilet, cried hard and soundlessly, washed my face and failed to get my red eyes back normal again, thinking and feeling that there was something wrong with me.

I had a cold and fever later before going home; which made it worse. I felt miserable but I couldn't speak it. How could I? I was the should-be-all-smiley-and-happy birthday girl. Until my cell rang at 9. I glanced at the screen and saw the magic word "call" in the middle of my Nokia 3310. Overseas call.

It cured me just in seconds. Real smiles were showing. Real laughs. Real happy feeling. Carla was back.

The Birthday Girl

To smoothen it all, dinner with Tom on Saturday night completed all my growing-old process. I was telling him about this long anxiety, and this light response of his brought me back to the world, "Oh, you'll get through it. You'll get that again when you're 30, 40 and 45."

It was the time when I realized it was not the end of the world.

I can see the first leaves falling
It’s all yellow and nice
It’s all very cold outside
Like the way I’m feeling inside
I’m a big big girl
In a big big world
It’s not a big big thing
[Big Big World - Emilia]