Merry Christmas, Everybody!!!!!

It's one of the best times in the year that I always wait for. I'm no religious and I probably go to church twice in a year - Christmas and Easter - and these past few years it was just good that I could go once. :P But I just looove Christmas. It's the togetherness that I cherish. It's the laugh. The hugs and kisses. The bright eyes and gleaming face of my family when they open the Christmas gifts. The hands holding others when praying. The most delicious food that mama cooks and the cookies I bake. The reviews and forgivenesses [yes, my family reviews things at Christmas and not in New Year's eve]. Have I mentioned togetherness?

My time is mostly occupied outside working. 12 hours a day. When I get back home, it's only tiredness that I feel and sleep is what I need. I lack communication with my dear family and am lucky enough to eat momma's food once when she packs me some lunch box. Saturday and Sunday are also busy times.. private teaching time. :P So... I'm really looking forward to sitting on the floor of my house tonight celebrating Christmas with my family. There is no Christmas tree this year. It's a symbol anyway. And my mother likes it that way cause her children do only like to decorate the tree and NOT undo it when it's over. So she'll have to do all the nasty job every year. Hehehe..

And waiting for tomorrow. Going to Bali with my mom for a week! It's been ages since she went there, OR any other places for holidays, the last time. It's really a payback of what she's done so willingly for us, her weird children, these so many years. Thank you, Mama... I hope you'll enjoy our vacation. :)

And for my dear Alto friends.. Merry Christmas to you alllllll!!! I love you and all the happy time we've spent so far. I can't probably find another working place with a better environment than here. :D So, thank you.

I'll try to get connected to the internet during my vacation in Bali and blog every once a while.

See ya next year!!!
Lately Pyorr has been so fond of this what-they-call singer. Britney Spears. She, therefore, requests every DJ in the upstairs room to play her whole album and repeat it over and over again. For hours. Every day.

Britney Spears

I personally have already disliked her for years. I mean I THINK... what she can actually be proud is every physical thing she possesses both from birth or transplantation and great dance movements EXCEPT good voice! I know it's a matter of taste, you'll say. But I really can't call her choked weird plain voice proper for an international singer. To me, it's the music beats that's cool. It's the energic sexy dance that's attractive in our eyes. It's the body that men long to see and women to dream of having.

But closing my eyes, deafing my ears from the background music and concentrating on her only voice, I really really wouldn't even get her in for the World Idol or smaller singing competitions if I were the jury. Sorry, Brit, but it's the truth. Your voice sucks.

Now I have to be ready with my earphones everytime I hear her music played by Bing2 or Denni or Nyo after Pyor's persuaded them to. Pppphhhhffffftttttttt!!!!!!!!!
I forgot to pick my new ATM card yesterday so I did it this morning after teaching.

I was planning to take taxi at first but another teacher came up with an idea of eating the famous Soto Ayam Lamongan beside SMUN 17. Everyone agreed and I just couldn't turn it down, though I'd had my breakfast before starting my day. Damn, no wonder I keep getting fatter. It should be my friends' fault! Hihihi.. Well anyways, what made the soto more delicious was cause our manager paid everything we ate. Yeaaahhh! I was saving some money for lunch, fo' sho'!!!

Well from there, I took bemo RT [no more taxi, cause it was just too far and I did concern my financial issue this month]. I switched to bemo UBB, after asking so many times to some bemo drivers if they were going to Kayoon, and arrived just in front of the bank's gate. I craved for some small notes to pay the bemo driver, but couldn't even find Rp 1,000!!! [The fare is Rp 1,500 for far destination]

"Do you have the change for a Rp 50,000,-?" asked me to the driver.

He shook his head. I sighed and prepared a sad face or whatsover excuses and dag every single coin I had in my purse and bag.

I could only collect Rp 950.

I grinned when the bemo stopped and told the driver that was all I'd got. He smiled and said that it was okay.


Yeah I relieved, but felt kinda bad at the same time. His vehicle didn't get so many passengers that time. Very minimum. :( I shouldn't have made him broke even more by having not enough money. :P

But hey.. I got my new ATM card!!! After 2 or 3 years living without! *rolling eyes*

When I left the bank, I also planned to get a taxi to the office. But heck, there were not so many decent taxi available and I was in the centre of the town! Tsk tsk tsk..

So I took the first bemo I saw, and apparantly it was a wrong one, that took me to the farthest part of Surabaya (from my house). Jembatan Merah. Huaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

Well I was not very much in the mood. The heat was absolutely impossible, traffic jams were everywhere, I was tired and sleepy and I was stuck in the middle of two very fat people, one of whom WAS SO FUCKIN' SMELLY!

My bad luck.

I seemed to spend ages from one bemo to another to get to the office. Ekkk!!!

Well anyways, I entertained myself by filling in a quiz I got from Gabus. This was the result.
You're a Classic Cup 'O' Joe.
You're a Classic Cup 'O' Joe!

What Kind of Coffee are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well... does classic also mean boring? :P
I am clumsy. Always have been. But last weekend was really yukky and funny at the same time.

I was watching Along Came Polly on Saturday when my stomach felt kinda weird. I paused the movie and ran to the toilet to relieve the most natural important urge I hardly do regularly - poopie...

Well I was still wearing my eyeglasses so I took them off and hang them in the front collar of my pajamas. Then they suddenly fell off. Right to the toilet.

:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

It was so damn GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was panicked and took them out of the shit and wash them three times. But oh it was soooo... nasty. I didn't dare to wear them that whole day.

Hooray, I had the mood to bake a cake again!

I just bought a new special cake recipe book yesterday and thought I'd practise one of them this morning. According to the testimonials of those who already ate it, it was delicious! And they're not dead yet. hehehe..

Well, let's make it short and check my new recipe out.

Sponge Cake

  • 180 gr sugar
  • 100 gr margarine or butter
  • 6 eggs (if the eggs are small, make it seven)
  • 20 gr maizena flour
  • 150 gr plain flour
  • 15 gr powder milk
  1. heat the butter on a small fire and leave it till it's cold.
  2. mix the sugar and eggs until it's thick and leaves pretty long trail when you move it. let's approximate it to 20 to 30 minutes mixing. start with speed 1, change the speed to 3 or 5 when it's well mixed, switch it to speed 2 and make sure that there's no bubbles on the dough, go to speed 1 and keep mixing until there's no single bubble then turn the mixer off.
  3. pour flour, maizena and milk little by little and stir slowly with a wooden spoon.
  4. put the melted butter into the dough little by little and stir well.
  5. pour the dough into a medium tin can (with some baking paper on) and bake for 35 minutes in a preheat 160 degree celcius oven.
Sponge cake is ready to eat!
A friend, Valens, inspires this post. It's actually a comment I gave in his post. But I think it's kinda good. I didn't know that it was until I reread it again.

Mengapa manusia menanyakan arti cinta...
Mengapa manusia menanyakan arti kasih...
Mengapa manusia tidak menjalani hidupnya apa adanya dan tidak menganalisa SETIAP DETAIL kehidupannya...
Bukankah dengan begitu dia akan lebih bisa menikmati hidup dan hidup sepenuh-penuhnya?

Cinta datang tanpa diminta
Kasih datang tanpa diminta
Tidak peduli pada siapa dan bagaimana bentuk seseorang
Cinta akan tetap datang pada waktunya
Kalau ada seseorang yang datang dengan cinta
Tapi tidak kamu cintai
Janganlah menyalahkan hati yang beku
Karena selalu ada orang-orang tertentu yang dapat mencairkannya
Dia hanya belum datang.

Denni and I were the ones left at the office, as usual. We packed our things and checked everything before leaving home. And suddenly he couldn't lock the garage! He was trying and trying for about half an hour and I helped a little, though it didn't affect anything, but there was still no result! *cry cry cry*

It's 10:35 p.m. now and I'm soooo.... sleepy and tired from working 3 shifts since 8 this morning and I'M STILL HERE waiting for Denni's refilled energy.

Unable so lost,
I can't find my way,
Been searching, but I have never seen,
A turning, a turning from deceit.

‘Cause the child roses like,
Try to reveal what I could feel,
I can't understand myself anymore,
‘Cause I'm still feeling lonely,
Feeling so unholy.

‘Cause the child roses like,
Try to reveal what I could feel,
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, oh no.
[Portishead - Numb]

That's just exactly the way I feel these past few weeks. But whatever...

Last weekend was pretty fun actually. I went to Hugo's with Rina and CDU gang on Friday night. Some facts I reckoned were: A. They hadn't fixed the aircon; B. They were having a fucking annoying Djarum Black promotion, so almost EVERYONE was smoking! I occasionally got out of the bar and took a deep fresher breath. The smoke was very much annoying and the broken AC surely couldn't exhaust the air inside.

Saturday was a day I should do the school reports. Pfff... I promised to come at 11, but since I was too tired and overly sleepy, I came at 1. Hehehe.. 2 hours late. I must be a very undisciplined naughty teacher.
Well anyways, Rina and I went to TP afterwards.. just enjoying our time, talking at Bentoya restaurant, browsing some cute socks, gossiping etc etc.

Sunday.. I should have taught two students. But at 06:00 Ian called it off for he was going to Malang that day.. and at 08:30 Andrew's mom did the same for Andrew was catching a flu. I almost screamed "Hooraayyy!" but realised just in time that it wouldn't be so nice of me to do that while Andrew's mom was still on the phone. Hahaha.. So.. lekker dag op zondag, he? But not for long, unfortunately. Teguh, a highschool bestfriend drooped by at noon and asked me to change quickly for he was taking me to Tanti's house (also an old friend from highschool). I didn't actually want to go anywhere on my unexpected free day.. but meeting old friends might also be interesting. So I went with him anyway. :D
Tanti looked still the same with the girl I knew during highschool. Only fatter. And so is Teguh. I guess everyone gets fatter when they get older. Hehehe..

Oh but I'm so very lonely! :((

Ai aiiii... I made some mistakes on the naming of the wallpapers I've made!!! Today I hardly touch Adobe Photoshop to create new wallpapers. Instead I need to work with the site program and change the whole things MANUALLY ONE BY ONE!!! *cry hard*

But it's up it's up! The wallpapers site we've been working on. I'm dealing with the movies section so if you want to see a glimpse of some wallpapers I made, check the indexes at
Remember, indexes.. not all and full size wallpapers. :P Sorry for that. You'll have to pay $15 a year if you want to see all. And I bet you won't. Hehehe...

Anyways.. to get you see one of those without paying, this is a free sample of my wallpapers design:

Wallpaper of the month: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Today I came to school (St. Clara) again.. There was nothing to teach, though.. so we were just having a game and introducing some Christmas songs to the children. Pretty fun. :) Everything's fun when it's NOT concerning administrations, correcting tests and counting scores. :P
Yay! I already reapplied for a new ATM card.
Yay! I am super productive today. 10 wallpapers in an hour. Imagine!
Yay! I'm going clubbing tomorrow!

I've not come to teach at school this week as the students are having their semester final test. I've anticipated it by planning to sleep during the day before going to the website company, with a hope that I'll be fresher at Excellogix.

Monday, 6 December 2004
It's the last day to submit all scores of the students' test. And I still had 6 more tests to check, then count the overall score. Phew. Hardly slept.

Tuesday, 7 December 2004
Went to the office earlier to drop the b/w films at a photo studio to print.

Wednesday, 8 December 2004
Took a morning and night shift at the office. Private lesson for Anthony at noon. Ekk..

Well.. I don't think tomorrow and Friday will be better and more relaxing. Gotta go back for school on Friday and I should start writing on the students report tomorrow. *sob*

I feel like being slaved!
Damn it's been so hard to focus lately. I've no motivation to work (or to complete my target before time) considering the one week off I'll take after Christmas. And today I even feel a bit sick.

But I did pretty well on self management lately.
  1. I did ask a letter from the police concerning my missing ATM card.
  2. I did have my black and white film developed.
  3. I did give Nyoh her Rp 10,000 change today. [Yay I didn't forget!!!]
  4. I did paint for Mark (half way done).
  5. I did arrange my vacation with Mama.
Oh, but there are still some other things I should do.. I do hope I remember to do them... Hehehe.
I was playing around with search engines like yahoo or googles the other day. I typed my name and friends' and it was pretty fun to see our names listed there.

The result of google search when I gave my name was:
Profile - Admirology
advertisement. Carla Ardian's profile. ID, crl, First name, Carla. Last name, Ardian.
Gender, Female. Marital status, Single. Interest, Membership Status, STANDARD ... - 8k - Cached - Similar pages

The result of yahoo search [#3]:
People - Carla's Photography Open this result in new window
... Copyright © 2004 - Carla Bley Ardian. Designed by Carla Bley Ardian ... - 4k - Cached - More from this site

The result of altavista and MSN search:
---Carla Bley Ardian---
Copyright 2004: Carla Bley Ardian.
More pages from

Try yours... It's fun! :D
The adolescence process seems to get earlier and more premature each day.

This morning I taught my elementary students (grade two, 7 years old). I brought them to the library to watch some children movies (without Indonesian subtitle) to train their hearing and familiarity of British English accent. The movies, The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Dad, Please Bring Me the Moon, are actually very simple. But you know how kids are so easy to get excited on what we usually consider small unimportant things.

Everything went OK until it was almost time to go home and the children became noisy and messy. It was the time I saw this boy laying down on the carpet. I came towards him to remind him that he was not supposed to lay there, when this girl called Meishell walked above him with her two legs on his sides. Then Karel stretched his arms in between her thighs, seemingly like he was trying to grab something under Meishell's skirt.

I was shocked. But there was no time for it.. Quickly I came beside them and slapped Karel's hands hard.

"What do you think you are doing, young boy?!" My voice sounded very harsh and angry, I'm sure.

Karel looked scared and almost cried, "She asked me to do it, Miss Carla." I noticed him not wearing his thick eyeglasses at that time, but again, I had no time thinking about it. I looked at Meishell and asked, "Is it right?"

She was quiet.

Karel kept repeating that it wasn't his very own intention. Since I couldn't get the girl say a word, I told Karel that he should have rejected the request and to Meishell I warned her to not ever do it again, or I'd take a serious action concerning that.

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde

Last night sucked.

Denni decided to stay in the office a bit longer after the other workmates went home. I waited for him until he finished his "important business". Well, we were about to leave that we checked all doors and windows and electricity. The front (wooden) door was unlocked, very unusual. Later we found that we did not have that door's key. Denni then called Jon to crosscheck and we found no solution but having Jon go back to the office to lock it. Poor Jon came back then, very tired just like Denni and I, and fixed the mess.

I arrived home at 11. With all the pluses (greeting my dogs, washing my face and brushing teeth), I probably slept at around 12. And as usual I woke up at 5 for teaching. Now I'm soo.... sleepy. My head span hard. Eergghh...



Sometimes I'm very much annoyed with some cheaty attitudes of my workmates. I'm responsible of arranging the Knowledge Sharing schedule at Excellogix. I reminded them to compile the material and encouraged them to fix the time whenever it's suitable for them (as long as it's in the two-week duration provided). They can also consult their topic and I've given them the possibilities.

Today.. after some other previous similar cases, there was a presentation from Devy about Microsoft Excell. She decided to have it in the evening instead of afternoon. I've warned her a few days before about the possibility of getting a minimum number of attendants if she'd do it at 17:00. But she still insisted in having it at that time. Cool, no problem for me..

At 17:00, the people were going out for dinner as usual. The others left for home. Devy went upstairs to see me and asked if she could postpone it since there were not many people available. I told her not to, cause it was already the end of the month and I wouldn't want to cause myself in trouble with Vera for another delayed Knowledge Sharing. So she did it as scheduled.

As predicted, there were only 3 or 4 people coming to her Knowledge Sharing class. I myself didn't attend it as I needed to fill my stomach with some food before it cried. When it was over, Devy was disappointed and Mariza looked even crosser for the very small number of people attending it. They then bugged me with some comments and grumbled that if they knew that beforehand, they would not have done it in the evening. They also blamed me for not letting them postpone it. WTF!!! I TOLD her what would happen if they did it in the evening, I TOLD her everything she needed to know! Yet they still played a role of some losers acting like it was all just my fault. Hey, guys, for every Altoerz who happens to read this, Knowledge Sharing is NOT an event to force other members to attend it. When there were not many people attending your presentation it should have been nobody's fault. You yourself should be able to pick an interesting topic to attract their attentions. So please please pretty please.. don't be so cheaty and asked me for a postpone date -- when you have already published it on Excellogix online and when you have known that you can't actually expect many people to come in the evening shift -- a few minutes before you start!!!

List to do:
  1. Correcting 5 classes' final tests
  2. Counting the final scores of each student (of a total of 5 classes) for School Report
  3. Making 100 or more wallpapers in three working days [which I doubt I'll make it]
  4. Having my home aircon, computer and stereo fixed before the end of the month
  5. Applying for a new ATM for my lost one 3 years ago maybe
  6. Getting the courage to quit at the stressing schools
  7. Making up my financial records
  8. Getting a motorbike
  9. Getting a boyfriend
  10. Making more cash than what I earn now without the company's bonuses!
Already have a headache just to remember and write those. *sigh*
My last weekend was not very bad. Despite of the broken computer that makes my free time lame, I survived my recent Saturday by hanging out at this new cafe called Hugo's at Hotel Sheraton. The grand opening was actually the day before, but I suspected that it would be overly crowded then, that Rina and I decided to go on Saturday night. It was a good decision for later that night, we knew that there were 1800 people attending the grand opening. Phew!

I dressed in sexy green half-sleeved shirt, black trousers and new half rubber shoes while Rina was wearing her new black loose top she bought with me the other day and jeans. Arriving there the reception girls asked us what we would like to drink. That was just the time when one of them touched my arm and said: "Hey what are you doing here? I'll tell your mom you're going here."

Errr... this person seemed to know me very well as she spoke warmly. And she obviously knew my mother. But who the hell is this blonde girl (dyed, of course)?

We talked and talked as if we knew each other very well. I decided not to reveal my short and long term memory loss of people's face and name as it might hurt her. But when we left her for paying our orders, I was trying really really hard to remember her name. I realized who she was just a second BEFORE I looked at her name printed on our bill.

Meet Cindy Halatoe, my cousin.

Direct cousin.

Ekkkk... I must be in the worst stage of memory damage. She is my cousin. COUSIN. COUSIN.

Geez.. it showed how close and caring we were huh? Hehehe...

Well anyway, Hugo's not bad. The local band was nice, drinks were nice (though stupidly expensive) but the decoration sucked. There were these two big pilars placed just in front of the stage - which caused us a bad time to see the band's performance. I know that the pilars were always there. But they can actually place the stage in the bar's side. THAT WAY, we can see the band through the pilars. :P

I found that one of the bartenders was my church friend - whose name, again, I failed to remember. Hehe.. Man, I really have to put this on my self improvement list. I'm getting worse at this. :(

It was fun alright.. except the fact that there was this one guy who tried to impress me with his smug smile. He followed me wherever I went, when I danced, when I drank beer and talked to Rina, he was just being my tail! He was attempting to touch my waist at the dance floor and when I looked annoyed he asked: "Nobody's going to be angry, right?" I answered: "She will," while pointing at Rina, and I slapped his hand from my waist. Rina didn't get to hear what I said then, but when I told her the whole story at the bar later on, she laughed and said: "Are you saying that you were implying us to be a couple of lesbians??? You are crazy!"

Well, he didn't give up. I disappeared from his sight for a moment until he found me and Rina again in the other corner and said: "Hey, I was looking for you. Would you mind joining me and my friends there?" Oh, some guys just don't understand signals and words. I should have simply stuck a piece of paper on my forehead with a "FUCK OFF, JERK!" statement printed on it. BAH!


Got time to do this internet quizy to reveal my personality.

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric.
You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude.
Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential.
Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone.
Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

Do you think by any chance that the result is true? :D
I always think that smokey eyes are cool. I asked a friend the other day how I could upgrade my eyes like that but before she could explain me how, we were already busy doing something else. So until this very moment I still haven't figured out the technique. Yeah yeah.. I don't read women magazines or TV shows too much, huh. I'm a bit left behind in this make-up thingy.

However.. two days ago I had more time than usual before teaching my private students. So there I was, sitting in my bed, applying more make up than my usual skin-coloured lipstick. There were eyeliner, moisturizer (of course), eyelash curler and mascara. Yep, perfect! I looked nicer. Risking it gone in a few minutes after I got out of the house (... heat causes sweat, you know ...), I went teaching.

I know I can never be organized or neat or being able to remember how to keep the mascara sticking on my eyelashes. Or AT LEAST getting my fingers out of my eyes! Well, it wasn't my fault, huh. My eyes itched. Seriously. And I rubbed them with my stupid fingers before knowing what I could cause to my mascara-ed eyes. So that was the end of the poor short-aged beautiful eyes. I promised myself to wash my face as soon as I arrived at the office.

"Hey you look really cool today!" Pyorr exclaimed as soon as I opened the door. Huh? Did she see me right?

"How is that?" asked me.

"Those smokey eyes. Nice as hell. I like it!!!"

Well.. sometimes accidents could result good, I guess. And though I don't think it's not the nicest option of creating smokey eyes, I've got one of the tricks. Hehehe.. Thanks Pyorr.

PS: If you know the other REAL tricks of making it up, hit me a comment please. :) Thanks.
What could be more unlucky than this?

Saturday, 13 November 2004

I woke up, ate my instant noodle for breakfast, decided to check my Listening Comprehension CD on the computer, turned it on, and found that it was broken.

Frowning at my brother -- he used the computer most of the time -- by imagining how much I should spent for my computer's service, I prepared my bathing stuff, turned on my stereo, got my CD inserted, and found that the tape function was broken, too -- by my niece who was at present in Jakarta. BAH!!!

I slammed the door and house's fence hard leaving to my students' house for some private teachings... in my supposed-to-be-long-and-nice holiday.

08:00 - 12:00

[At Andrew's house]

Andrew: Bu Carla... oh Cie Carla.. eh..
Me: Miss Carla, Andrew. When we are studying English, you have to call me by Miss.
Andrew: But you don't look like a miss.
Me: And what do you mean with it?
Andrew: You don't dress like a miss, you don't look like a miss. If you're wearing your eyeglasses, you will look like a miss. So wear them now please and I'll call you Miss Carla.
Me: ........ [speechless]

I realized later that whom he usually called Miss is usually his teachers at school, who are undoubtedly old!

12:30 - 20:00

I came to TP a half an hour earlier from my appointment time with Rina, which was at 13:00. As soon as I arrived, I smsed her asking where she was. She replied about 15 minutes later: Hi, I'm still at home. Just finished doing housechores. I'm coming in a minute by taxi.

Great, Rin!

I was browsing and choosing books in Gramedia, then. I got this Rp 50,000 voucher reward from Bank Niaga and I was planning to buy some books for my seemed-to-be-empty-and-boring-without-computer holiday. I browsed and browsed and browsed while waiting for Rina. Satisfied with a LOT of books in my shopping bag, I walked to the cashier to pay. They were all in total Rp 198,000 something. I almost choked when I checked the receipt. Even after I gave the vouchers to the cashier woman, I still had to pay Rp Rp 148,000 something. Ekkk.. damn.. why didn't I check the hell prices of the books I took?! Stupid!

Two o'clock and Rina still didn't show up. I just realized that I was hungry so I went to Mc Donald's and ordered Panas Pedas. The girl I always claimed to be my bestfriend innocently showed up when I almost finished my meal. That was 14:20. :P

But ok, we then chatted and joked and browsed and shopped. Walked here and there, tried on this piece of cloth and that, paid these shoes and those etc. At about 5 o'clock, Rina was queuing at the cashier of Matahari when I was shoved by a number of people. TP was indeed very crowded at that time, considering it was just a day before the Ied day. I felt strange when those people pulled me, so as soon as they left I checked my bag. And I was right, my cellphone was stolen! :(( I asked Rina to call my handphone right away, hoping that it just slipped somewhere in my messy bag. But no ring. It was INDEED STOLEN!!!!

I checked again for my purse and found it in the very bottom of my bag, heavy books on top of it. For the first time I was grateful that I was always unorganized. At least I didn't have to cancel those important credit cards. :P

Monday, 15 November 2004


Ita had her baby, Michelle, taken care by mom at home while she was away with her husband. My mother asked her to buy her fried duck when she arrived home later. She did, and we happily ate it.

I felt pain in my throat. Ouch!

Apparently I got a small bone stuck in the middle of my throat and it hurt as hell!!! I tried all ways: swallowing a group of rice without chewing, drinking much much water, soften it with hot coffee but nothing worked! Even until this very moment, the annoying bone is still loyally settling down in my lovely throat.

Damn damn damn!
The reflection smiled back at me
Looking proud
Chin up
So arrogant
Yet so beautiful, I admired secretly

My eyes were busy wandering
At his oh so fair and bright skin
Downward to his muscular body
Staring a while at his pretty maleness
Spending a longer time at his pocket
Knowing happily he'd got considerably good amount of legal tender
Being grateful he was born rich

But heck!
Who the hell was that ugly skinny dark girl in whites?
Shamelessly coming into my room with disrespectable clothing and broom
Comforting herself shortly then soon sweeping
What a real wreckage of my prince charming's picture

I was furious!
I'd been always wondering why such creatures do exist in this pretty world
They were worth not more than my old shoes, for heaven's sake!

She was crying now
Helpless weak beast!
If she couldn't take my words she would always be welcomed to find another place to work
Cheap being

Alone again
The most enjoyable moment I always loved
Admiring the lovely guy smiling at me from the looking glass
Dear Love,

How have you been doing? Are you busy with work and school and everything or are you just mellow as usual? Do you enjoy life? How was Geneva in fall? It must have freshened up your life a bit by now. I know you needed a holiday badly and I'm glad you were taking it.

I'm writing after having opened some albums of photos of ours, drawings I made concerning you and me, listening to your unusual but nice songs and most of all, remembering the precious time we spent together in a relatively short time, maybe.


I miss them.. a lot. Our memories, that are. I miss your eyes. The way you were looking at me softly (almost foggy) while observing my face and pimples. I miss those mischievious pairs when you were teasing me. I miss them when they wore no accessories but contact lenses. I miss to see the view of the rather deep part of the sea with its corals to beautify them in those pretty eyes.
I miss your curly messy hair that you have always been fussing about. Missing your slender rather skinny body and the way you moved around. I miss your cute face and your soft skin - remember I used to tell you that you should have been a female instead of a male?
I miss your spontaneous actions when I expected them the least. It was hell sweet to be carried on your back when I was a bit dizzy of a lil too much beer. How fun it felt when we rode back in the rain from the beach that afternoon. I miss the times when you cooked me pasta or any delicious food we ate together [I should really blame you for that, you know. Those tasty irresistable food really made me like an advertisement balloon. Grrr]. I loved the way you always picked me up in the station when I went back late at night - worrying that someone might do me some harm. I couldn't enjoy more the times when we sat in front of your computer playing Yuri's Revenge [me as a passive watcher, of course].

They were nice memories. I didn't regret a bit what we had done and how we enjoyed our relatively short but happy moments. I didn't even hate your bloody annoying mood swings that much. Though they were some of the reasons I got hurt so many times, they are still a worthy thing to save in the corner of my mind. Just in case you start bitching and I need to hate you.

I guess this is the best for us now. Being far, being near, being undescribable. Let the time decides and let us be happy in our own way. Though you will probably not read this, you just have to know.. that you are always alive in me.

Ohhh... why should we have Monday? And Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Friday? I've really had enough working. Tired tired tired. Bored bored bored. Why couldn't everyday be like last weekend... when we were having parties together. :(


Halloween Party at Excellogix.

It was a costume party, which everyone must wear unusual clothes - scary look prefered. We did. Only some folks did not really dress themselves up, but it was okay. We gave Rp 2,000.- to the EO (can I call you that, girls? hehehe) which is almost nothing! You can probably only drink a cup of coffee with that amount of money in a small warung, but no more else. So I did not expect to have any drinks or food served in that party, unlike some people. :P Well anyway, the money was well spent on the decoration, candies and a present for the winner of the best look. And it was one of the best parties ever in my life. Really... there was this lots and lots of laughs. If you were in a coma of an uncurable disease in the end of your life and you dreamt about this, you would die happily. 100% Guaranteed! And THAT's a compliment, Miss Miss E.O. :D Thanks for such a great party.

Well anyway.. for now.. just enjoy the pictures (I'm in every photo, of course. No protest, huh! This is my blog). Hehehe..

Bakul Jamu Centil Posted by Hello

Spidey Carla and Jus Posted by Hello

The Prince of Darkness Yendy and Bakul Jamu Carla. Hehehe.. Posted by Hello
Mood: bored, empty, confused.

I actually don't look like what mood I'm having at the moment. But feeling weird somehow that I've spent quite a hard time to sleep a wink at night - while normally it's never a problem considering my tight schedule and limited time for sleep.

This may be a loneliness or something.. both mentally and physically. But my expectation is not just to spend a fun time with nobody. It must be sweet to be loved and cared for.. Occassionally getting attentions and letting go some burdens in mind. A little spoiled.. Man, when can I enjoy that again?

Am crazy about Paul Walker - Brian O'Conner in 2 Fast 2 Furious - at the moment. He looks like somebody I admire very much in a way. But still... *blank eyes staring at nothing* The loneliness stays. Wish there's something real fun coming up.

Paul Walker

Strange things happen.

Last Wednesday I went home with Denni as usual. I asked him to visit Niaga ATM for 5 minutes to do a transfer and a Rp 50,000 withdrawal. Arriving home, I slept and the day ended nicely.

I decided to take a day off on Thursday. My stomach and legs felt really weird due to the flows. So I stayed at home, played computer games and watched 2 Fast 2 Furious DVD the whole day.

This morning. Friday is a day when I have to bring some snack for our illegal coffee break at 15:00. I was planning to bake some cookies or cakes.. so I took my purse, craved for my one and only money of Rp 50,000, and found nothing. I checked again. Still nothing. Again. Nothing. OK, time to be annoying.

Using the best angry stern voice I could have, I was angry all over with everybody at home. I didn't go anywhere after I withdrew that money - which means I did NOT use it for paying ANYTHING, so WHERE THE HELL HAS IT GONE???

Of course no one knows.

Well this is not the first time, but I've been quiet too long to avoid unnecessary fights, but fuck! Couldn't whoever-took-it check and see that I had no more money but that Rp 50,000??? Only another single coin of Rp 500 stayed in my purse and it is worth nothing!

Rp 50,000 is not big but I got it by working. And these naughty hands should really be slapped and injured badly one day. I'm not gonna take the tuyul superstitious this time. Cause it was not. Maybe never was. I'm getting sicker living there.
Tuesday is usually a very nice half relaxing day. It was this morning. I didn't do much but sleeping to pay back the lost sleeping time.

As soon as I arrived at the office at noon, I had a mood swing as instantly as I couldn't get ANY WIND from the fan, neither from the AIRCON! Bing was sick and Pyor doesn't like cold. That led to the fact that the fan should be directed up facing the roof to get the wind reflected. When I wanted to get the fan facing me, protests came out telling me that I should share it with the others, WHO HAD ALREADY ENJOYED THE FUN FEELING OF THE AC!!!

I couldn't work at all with such heat. So I was just playing around and disturbing friends. Veve suggested me to make a deal with Pyorr to switch place [Pyorr doesn't like AC, but she sits nearby]. I asked her, and Pyorr agreed. Phew. We're gonna move our things tomorrow. :P


I'm wearing a quite sexy sleeveless top today (to make myself feel less hot). No one was commenting until it was dinner time, and Shierly joyfully reminded me that I'd got big upper arms displayed.

These people... Can't they just keep their comments for themselves? I don't need to be told OVER AND OVER AGAIN that I'm fat! I realise that I am. Whether or not I'm going to change the fact, it's all up to me! I'm already very sick to hear that 24/7 from various people I know, WHO HAD ALREADY PICTURED ME AS A SKINNY GIRL!

Well things changed, guys. I have my hormones and I'm getting older. What the hell could I do when the fat stays?! So.. please... pretty please.. just stay back and bear in mind that I have feelings, too! Thank you!

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me: "Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera, What will be, will be."
[Que Sera Sera - Doris Day]
Yep, that's me. Hehehe..

I spent my first day of the weekend doing almost nothing but playing games and sleeping. The busy nice weekend I was thriving to get turned out to be NOT that busy and nice. I've read all the comics, novels and books. I've watched all the DVDs and VCDs -- my brother was going to rent me some animes but he found out that it was closed. :( Yeah, it was pretty boring. ANYWAY, Michelle's voices all over the house can always be the cure of boredom. She's just too... cute! And aggressive, I'd say that she's got that from her mom. She kicks and moves her arms a lot.. and sometimes when we were bending to kiss her, she just kicked our chest just in the right place that we had to scream in pain. Grrrmmmbblll.... I predicted that she would be a kickboxer type of girl when she's growing up in a couple of years. Hihi..

Well, I DID have a relaxing though boring Saturday.. but Sunday was not quite the same. After talking on the phone for three hours with Rina on Saturday night, I woke up pretty late on Sunday morning.. That's ok, though, cause I was having my private teaching in the afternoon anyway. But I spent most of the time I was awake by playing games. I felt REALLY bored. So I called Rina just before I went to Ian's house, accepting her the-night-before offer to have an Excelso time at TP. It was good, except the fact that I did not bring my purse! Swallowing back my dignity, I was owing my becak driver some money to pay the bemo fare. *blush in purplish red* Yeah I know.. horrible. Anyway, Rina paid everything in our outing (I'll pay her back later of course). At about 21:00 we took a Blue Bird taxi, which is always believed to be the best taxi company in Indonesia, to find out that he was absolutely a weird person.

He is so much into "Dunia Lain" issue. During our supposed-to-be-convenient journey home, he kept talking about tuyul, genderuwo, sundel bolong, kuntilanak and stuff. Rina was already a bit uneasy and I totally disliked it. We told him to stop talking shit but he kept going. He seemed to be so proud about his "gift" to be able to see the ghosts or spirits, and gave us what-so-called tips of "trapping a tuyul". The driver told us that there was also a follower spirit that protected him in whatever he'd done.. and in the end of our journey, he promised to send him to us in the middle of that night. Sucker!

Well.. arriving home, the TV was playing Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie and Queen Latifa on The Bone Collector. I got interested and watched it. Not realizing that the movie just started. So that means.. it ended at 1 o'clock!!! I couldn't directly sleep so that made me rested for only 3 or 3.5 hours? Ekk... Not to mention that my becak driver didn't come to pick me up (AGAIN... third time in a week!) So gotta take another taxi and got slightly late at school.

Ohh.. finally!!!! My long-expected weekend is coming! It's Friday already, Ladies and Gentlemen. Time for me to hibernate for a while and take a revenge of my stolen hours of sleep this week!

I was visiting Rina's grandmother's funeral on Wednesday when I came there after the office hours, which was at about 9:45, talking for an hour, and she was asking/suggesting me to stay the night instead of going home that late. I was doubting for a while.. since I had a class the next morning. She promised that her sister would take me home very early in the morning. 3 seconds thought, looking at her sad face for losing her grannie, which is not often showed, and I said OK.

Sleeping at your bestfriend's will cost you corrupted hours of sleep by your chit-chat for about.. 2 hours? 3? Hihi.. It was always fun and enjoyable, nevertheless, so I didn't regret it. Except that I could hardly open my eyes the next morning in the class. :P

Anyway! Cause of that and some other sleepless nights of this week, I decided to turn down my friends' invitation of clubbing at Sampoerna's House tonight. Instead I'll just relax and read comics/books or play The Sims or some other game, or just watch dvd or whatever fun-doing at home. Then sleeping the whole day on Saturday. Ouuwww.... would be so erg leuk!

I'll probably cook/bake something on Sunday. It's been a long time since I did it the last time. :P I'll tell you the result by Monday.. or let my friends decide how it tastes at the non-official coffee break time. :D

Au revoir!!!
Got this from Veve... [she does really like finding out internet quizes. hihihi..]

I forgot what the link is. I'll probably edit this post later.. but here's my outcome.

You are Red Monkey, whose simple and natural personality is easily understood by those around you. [really?]
You can make others feel safe. [I don't know, you tell me]
You will take on any favor asked, and have a strong volunteer spirits. [Umm.. not really. I'm very selfish at times.]
Even if you get angry, you don't hold that against people for long time. [true]
You are simple forthright person. [right]
You are a person with sensitivity. [sometimes]
If you use this sensitivity at work and in hobbies, you will achieve great results. [ok]
You should learn a lot while young, and use that experience to help the society in the future. [already am]
You also possess great talent in carrying out matters and handling it efficiently. [when the mood is good, yeah.. hehe]
You are a very active person. [not in sport, though]
You are smart and calculating. [hahaha... pretty right]
You can be rather short tempered, and will not tell your true feelings. [I was once.. but I've learnt enough that nothing's better than an honesty. Short tempered is correct]
This may make you bit lonely, so don't forget to have a broad mind. [yeah.. am often lonely :(]
You are a quick learner, so you will be favored by your boss. [I know. hehehe..]
But if there isn't a person who can set an example, you can not carry out work efficiently. [What??? No way! I'm usually the pioneer!!!]
You may be suited to stay as number two than to stand at the top. [Not true again. I like to be the centre of attention]
You are independent and keeps your own pace. [Yep!]
So it may be better to keep away from the impossible. [What do you mean?]
Because you are a popular person, you will be asked out by many people. Try and turn down offers nicely, or you may disturb the living pace and your own personal relationships. [Haha.. thank you for guessing it so precisely!!! I did not take attentions to HOW I turned them down lately, though]
Your marriage fortune is very good. You will do great as a housewife and also as the person committed to do good for the society. [good to hear about the marriage! But a HOUSEWIFE??? You must be kidding, right?]

Yeah well.. pretty good to have some fun time on the net like that. Mocking friends' result :D Good to get away from my hypocriteness of telling myself not to speak with him anymore, but did last night. Just a day after I was trying to convince myself. :P Plin Plan!
I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They’re swept away and nothing is what it seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.
[Listen to Your Heart - Roxette]

Being in a tight argument with my mind lately. An important time to decide what to do, act and feel tomorrow morning, the morning after and so on.. Inside, I feel very much like freezing the whole me. Thinking that I might look stronger and more imuned to pain of heart. Thinking that it might change me into a more logical rational person, rather than an emotional impulsive one like now. But the other opposite of my want has resisted. Telling me that my emotions are what make me what I am now. Telling me that it's what makes me a unique loving and annoying person at the same time. Saying that I should keep my present personality, instead of changing into another that I've proved in daily life of others, to be a failure - though not impossible, is hard to mend.

I still don't know what to do. I sometimes got tickled to unblock him, and I did, but then remembered again that it should be the best for the two of us, and I reblocked him. It happened like already 10 times this week. I really am weak in being firm at this. I keep reminding myself, however, that the best was to tell him I hated him, though I don't; the best was to break every contact, though I do not want to.

It's the best... right?
I know it is, you'll tell me it is.
But how do I get my peaceful life back without those restless, full-of-nightmare nights?
I'm so screwed.
Fun Friday Night

I had been wanting to go clubbing for 2 weeks. It seemed to be so long since the last time I danced and had a great time at a club. So off I went to Desperados with Rina, Shierly, Arief and his boyfriend.

A few hours before I drank my last Porto wine with workmates, as they'd like to taste and experience the feeling of drinking red wine. We shared it in a really small amount, and they liked it. Justine even felt a bit weird in her head after having a small sip of it. Having a flavour of the nice red wine, I was thinking to take alcohol again in the club, after a year alcohol fasting.

So I did.. ordered a medium draught beer - Bintang, and drank, and danced and everything. Unfortunately I was just too tired that day, that I slept on the sofa of Despa... again!!! We left earlier than usual and I was hardly awake on the way home. I couldn't have got drunk, could I?!?! But I probably was, cause I also felt itches all over my body, just like the time I drank my first cocktail a few years ago! My blood seemed to need an adjustment after being absent for quite a time.

I slept as soon as I smelled my pillow and didn't wake up till 12, when Michelle cried out so fuckin' loud. I forced myself to wake up then, only for an hour, and collapsed again in bed.

I think I was indeed a little drunk.

Hangover and Stayover

Vanie woke me up and reminded me to be at her house at 4 o'clock sharp for our hang over at PTC. I said ok, hang up the phone, and slept again.

I overslept, as predicted. But the others were lagging as well, so it was already dark when we arrived at the new mall. I browsed some shoes and bought myself a pair (I had to for I broke 3 pairs in one month!).

I stayed the night at Vanie's. Her mother was already very worried that she called Vanie a few times before we got back to her house at almost midnight.

New Haircut and Shopping

We woke up in the morning, washed ourselves and went to Bo's indekost for having pecel breakfast together. Then Vanie asked (read: forced) Bo to accompany us to Giant Hypermarket. He finally said yes, as he had no other plans to do that day. But at Giant, he might be pretty bored waiting for us having our hair cut and browsing every stall. Hihihi.. sorry Bo Bo Bo Bola Pingpong!!! :D

My hair, as well as Vanie, is so very short right now. I previously even wanted to have a shorter cut, but didn't cause it'd just make me even look fatter. Hehe.. But I'm pretty happy with it. My head feels lighter now and I don't have to comb it too often. :P
Finally after some hard time, I can (read: forced by Coolz) continue the stories of my bemo experience.

You can read Story 1 and Story 2 here.

What I love and hate most about traveling around by bemo is the time when I have to switch from Bemo A to Bemo B at the terminal Jayabaya. Love is the fact that I can watch more people with more diversities in acts and says. While hate is the terminal is just the least comfortable place to visit and/or transit; i.e. pickpockets, sexual abuses, cheats etc. Belows are a few of the stories.

Story 3.

It happened when I was still working at CDU about last year or the year before. It was a beautiful morning, indeed, with the sun shining warmly all over the place. I had to take Bemo V at the Jayabaya terminal, and as usual it's all crowded with people going off for work. They filled up the bemo until they could see that there was no other inch-space on the seats of the vehicle. Seven in the left, two in the right, two beside the driver, two sitting backwards, and one sitting in the back on a disrespectable little wooden seat, pressed by the other people's knees in both sides. Yet, the passengers did willingly take any available seats, for the sake of being on time to work.

There were these three men, chatting joyfully to one another. Until the bemo was almost full, one of them suddenly exclaimed: "Hey, isn't this bemo going to Sepanjang?" The other passengers said no. Laughing, they all got out of the bemo and went away.


"Oh shit... my handphone was stolen," a guy sitting in front of me said. Everyone directly put great attention to him. His face was troubled and annoyed. No wonder, cause we all knew who did that.

Yes, those three men who pretended to take the wrong bemo.


Story 4.

About a month ago, I jumped out of Bemo P, and luckily got the next bemo (Bemo O) I should be in in almost no time.

The back seats were not too full. There were two boys in their twenties in the very back and three guys of thirties in the rather front of the place. I came in and took a seat in front of the three guys, sitting diagonally and giving my back to one of them. After a few hundreds meter, the guy beside me (or behind me, whatever) started to act like being land-sick. He made sound of vomitting and frequently touched my back (or bag) as if he wanted to get a hold. He mumbled sorry that he was sick, but kept his hands on my back as if he was trying to throw up, which failed and could only spit on the floor of the bemo.

I felt uneasy and very much annoyed.

Even a stupid person should have seen that he was not at all pale or sick. He was just acting like it and repeating spitting and spitting dirtily on the floor of the bemo, when he could actually throw up out of the window! And why the hell did he keep holding on me when I was sitting in a quite of a distance from him?!

I knew he was planning something bad, so I got my awareness to the maximum level.

Another passenger asked me to move instead beside him, but I still got the feeling that this one other guy was also not good, though he was smiling all over and trying to be nice. I moved, as suggested, prefering to avoid the dirt of the spitting action the other man was producing, but I still got my hold on my bag tighter, with its front openning facing my chest.

Not long after that, the three men got out of the bemo and paid the fare. I was frowning in dislikes.

I stopped on Jl. Kertajaya Indah at the same time another passenger who sat beside the driver also got out of the car. My mood was already not very good when he started to talk to me as we walked. But something in his words got me interested.

"Lady, those three men who got out before you, were pickpockets. Check your belongings now, if any were stolen."

I was not a bit surprised and knew that I protected my bag quite well, but checked it anyway. As expected, nothing was missing.

The kind man smiled and asked me to remember the trick they just did, and to be careful. He said he wanted to warn all of us in the back, but he didn't dare enough to confront them.

I thanked him. Though I already knew pretty good what the three men were aiming.

To be continued..
Look at me, you may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Everyday, it's as if I play a part
Now I see, if I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
[Reflection - OST. Mulan]

For a few days I was strong, lately I've been sweet and courageous, tomorrow I may be happy and supportive. Tonight.. I just wanna be wild. Opening another bottle of my Australian wine would probably be a good idea. Get myself in my own fantasy world, dreaming like Alice in Wonderland and create my only own story. I'll do everything to make this long weekend worth; after deciding not to take another vacation to save some Rupiahs.

Surface is what is important at the time being. I don't even dare to look inside as it does not sound very wise to feel miserable when I need to feel happy. Like manipulating the movies pictures in the photoshop, I'll do my best to manipulate my mask and heart. Though it's gonna be just so hard for the latest, or even impossible, I'll face the truth later.

Tot ziens, Heart!

Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts
I'm young, I know,
But even so
I know a thing or two - I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

[Love Hurts, The Everly Brothers]

Here I am.. alone again, as I always was. But now even more alone without any hold that someone I love cares about me anymore. *Sigh*
Remembering the old times.. how I used to insist so much to get a break of loving contact with my beloved one who could never give any promise or hope. Remembering how he used to insist not to break any contact as I wished, for - selfishly - he did not want to lose me. Remembering that we used to have so many emotional contacts and conversations with him struggling to keep his negative thoughts about love and relationship alive. Remembering how I used to explain him that I couldn't afford to be his real friend cause I could never hear anything about another girl if he found one later. Remembering that we always found a dead end in the argumentations; and left everything hanging in the air, with more winning scores in his side.
Now that it happened, as I predicted long before, as I sensed shortly before he admitted it - I was trapped again in my worst nightmare that had been haunting me for these past 8 months. No more discussion in his side to make me stay, as he always did before. Even a "don't bother about me anymore" request was what came out of his last lines.
180 degree.
Upside down.
So hard to keep me before, so easy to lose me in a blink of an eye.
What a miracle a sex can change you in a second.
I won't count what I did for him cause I did all for love. Sincerely. No return expected. Yet it was hard to send this apology email to Tom and Tina for cancelling my trip to Holland. Thanking them for all their help to get my visa through.
I hate myself for crying. Cause I should have expected this, cause this is not the first time, cause he doesn't deserve any single tear. But I'll get over it. I'm strong. As always. Though for now, no more trust in men. They're just good when they need something from you.
Just wanna share what I saw during my journeys around Surabaya by bemo. No specific date can be told, but I remember each happening.

Story 1.

That bemo V, unlike the other ones, was clean, cozy and smooth. It was new obviously. There were only 2 passengers and 1 kernet on the vehicle, when it moved to the left of the road, allowing the kernet to advertise the empty seats to the passengers-to-be. An old woman with kebaya was waving her arm and quickly ran towards it. She had a big fish-smelly basket on her head and was sweating hard when she got into the side door of the bemo. As soon as she put her basket on the floor of the public transportation, the driver shooed her with harsh words, telling her that a good bemo shouldn't have a smelly nasty passenger like her.

She took her basket back to her head slowly. I saw the hurt feeling in her eyes and got hurt as well. Almost had a single tear for her, but...

  • Bemo = a public transportation in Indonesia; minibus-like.
  • Kernet = a person who accompanies the bemo driver to advertise it (by yelling and shouting) and to whom we pay the fare.
  • Kebaya = traditional Javanese clothing for women.

Story 2.

On bemo, I normally turn my handphone off. Pickpockets are familiarly found in such place so I always try to be cautious.

This girl was taking the bemo I was on, and having a seat right in front of me. To avoid sleepiness which can cause me lacking my awareness, I usually observe my fellow passengers on bemo. But I don't think I needed to have a second look to this girl to suspect that she was an ayam. She wore a tight t-shirt and blue jeans (which are normal to wear by Surabayan girls), but something in her aura made people easily think that she was "different". She sat like she was on a comfy couch, taking a wide angle for herself and played with her cell. Her eyebrows are cleanly shaved (or waxed, whatever). In replacement there are very curved fake brown eyebrows, painted by a make up pencil. I didn't comment it aloud, of course, when I thought it was strange to apply it to her actually-sweet face. Until two "women" took a place beside her.

The women looked dirty, but they did act very feminine. My eyes would have been still on the handphone girl if I didn't hear one of them talking.. in a man's voice. They started to speak in a language I didn't understand. Gay's language. I remembered my gay cousin once told me about the specific language the gays created. And vaguely I caught them talking about the girl who sat beside them.

The handphone girl hopped out of the bemo in front of Mitra and left. One of the "women" commented harshly, "Huh.. Lonte!" My lips curved up to perform a vague smile in response of his comment, and got a glimpse of understanding of what he said in his language. He was very much disturbed when the girl, intentionally or not, touched her breasts on his back. The other "woman" suddenly felt the need to explain me, "Itu lonte, Mbak. Lonte murahan." ["That was a hooker, Miss. Cheap one."]. I saved my laugh and just smiled to them.

  • Ayam = chicken; in this case: hooker.
  • Lonte = a very harsh expression to describe a hooker.

To be continued...

I'm back, my dear Blogger fans!

After having a bad first level mental crisis of aging, I finally managed to accept that I am now over 25. I've had these worries for 3 weeks that getting 25 could be such a nightmare for someone who still feels like 17. Time slips away so easily. How come was I not aware that I was getting closer to having white hair all over? Ok, I exageratted it. But when was the time when I was 20? 21? 22? 23? 24? Did I skip it just like that or did I just ride on a time machine?

Well, I had some discussions 'bout it with Veve a few days before I had my birthday and she told me not to worry; it's a normal thing to have and I still have just a looooooong way to go and enjoy myself. Yet it was not enough to make me feel better. I spent each day without realizing what I actually did. My world evolved around myself, my teaching job, my website job, Marijn's emails and installing, uninstalling and reinstalling the troublesome The Sims Unleashed and Makin' Magic. Did I do anything else? I can't remember. *fake Dory's voices from far away*

Till that scary day came. I woke up, called in sick at school, played computer game the whole day, got calls and smses to wish me the merriest birthday (I had to recharge the cell's battery again for that), until the time came for me for Excellogix, getting a sweet sweet cake from beloved workmates, kisses and hugs, surprise party in the evening (for Dinny as well as she's leaving), I knew I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I acted like it, though. Smiles and laughs. Appreciation flew. I did appreciate all. But what happened was I locked myself in the office's toilet, cried hard and soundlessly, washed my face and failed to get my red eyes back normal again, thinking and feeling that there was something wrong with me.

I had a cold and fever later before going home; which made it worse. I felt miserable but I couldn't speak it. How could I? I was the should-be-all-smiley-and-happy birthday girl. Until my cell rang at 9. I glanced at the screen and saw the magic word "call" in the middle of my Nokia 3310. Overseas call.

It cured me just in seconds. Real smiles were showing. Real laughs. Real happy feeling. Carla was back.

The Birthday Girl

To smoothen it all, dinner with Tom on Saturday night completed all my growing-old process. I was telling him about this long anxiety, and this light response of his brought me back to the world, "Oh, you'll get through it. You'll get that again when you're 30, 40 and 45."

It was the time when I realized it was not the end of the world.

I can see the first leaves falling
It’s all yellow and nice
It’s all very cold outside
Like the way I’m feeling inside
I’m a big big girl
In a big big world
It’s not a big big thing
[Big Big World - Emilia]

I'm eating air. Hap. Hap.
Getting it inside my stomach. Hap. Hap.
Refusing to come out. Hap. Hap.
Growling inside, eating every bit of room of my belly.
Bloating and bloating
Till almost blow.

Minyak kayu putih and mother's hand rub are the remedy. Or sleeping with back on top could be another option.

Press the tummy. Press the tummy.
Get the air out. Puff. Puff.
Release me from this torture.

Listening to: Kool Moe Dee - Go See the Doctor
Reading: Ingenuo (so damn funny and deep)
Learning: Personality Plus; Making a Game with Flash (failed); PHP
Mood: Cheerful

Saturday, 21 August 2004

Finally, leisure time! I planned to sleep a lot on that day but I woke up at 4 instead. Grr.. I didn't really mind, though, since I got the chance to poop easily (normally I don't). I couldn't sleep again so I just played Hotel Giant. I made a new hotel called Karimun, and it is pretty successful. :)

11:00 I had a date with Nyo and Pyor to browse for digicams at about 14:30, so I thought taking a nap for an hour or two would refresh me a bit from waking up too early on my day off.

An hour or two became 3 hours. And I was already pretty late for our meeting, except that I took a taxi; but I chose not to. I felt pretty poor lately and tried to be wiser on the money issue. So I skipped the shopping rendesvouz and promised to come for swimming at 17:00. I did come, though late, to find that the water was freezing cold at the swimming pool and the hard wind made it worse! I didn't dare to come back into the water after my first try, but when everyone was heading back for swimming, I became more rational. I already paid Rp 17,500 so I'd better do something to make it worth.

The water was not very cold at the shallow part. Nyo was trying to teach me again to swim. "The water is salty", she said, "so it should give you the confidence that you were not going to get drown." True, but I just got so many excuses to avoid it. I tried to convince myself: if I could swim in the sea of Karimun Jawa, why couldn't I do that then?

Nyo's old swimming tutor took over to teach me the basic conditions of swimming. Because he is a complete stranger to me, I didn't complain as much as I did to Nyo. Hehe.. Miracle happened, though. I made a big progress by getting myself the right way of moving my legs and I learned the rythm of breathing. Another male swimming tutor started to teach me in a few moments later. Though what he taught was kinda similar to Nyo's tutor, there was one different theory he was teaching me, which made me confused. I felt a bit uneasy cause I felt that these people were taking advantage of touching my body. :P I tried to forgive it, though, since I also took the advantage of learning to swim freely.

Another swimming gathering with workmates at Atlas

Sunday, 22 August 2004

I woke up early again. Shit.

I should teach Ian that day, at 15:00 and later in the evening I've got a movie-outing with Denni and Rina. So again, I played a game, thought that I should sleep for a little while and woke up late again!!! Man. I called Ian, changed the lesson hour to 16:00 and told Denni and Rina that I couldn't be at the theater at 6, so regretfully I cancelled our meeting. I promised my mother, though, to take her to watch The Village on Tuesday. She is very fond of horror movies.

Ian was very good at our debate about Rap is an Art. I was very happy that he did it well. It was just the matter of the perfect topic; considering that he is a big fan of Eminem and hip hop music.

After teaching, I went to TP to see Rina. I took bemo and bus that drove me to another (wrong) direction. I was pretty annoyed since I already asked the kondektur if it went to TP and he said yes. It did not! I hopped out on Jalan Diponegoro and had to take a becak to the other side of the street. Ppppffff.. Well I was waiting for my bemo to TP when I saw these cars were parking at Apotek Kimia Farma Darmo, but not visiting the drugstore itself. Instead they were sitting in front of the building eating bakso. It should be very delicious, I thought. So I decided to also sit there and ordered a portion of bakso. It WAS nice. :))

The hangout with Rina was nice. We went to Gramedia and bought some reading materials; me disney comics (sale sale sale). We talked a lot, gossipped a lot.. Just perfect!

I went home and prepared for a bed when I felt the need to call ME. He was on the train that was about to pass the tunnel that our connection had to break off. He called me back a few minutes after and we chatted about his mother's birthday and how he wanted to tease her by giving her an uitje (uit-je = outing), but instead he was bringing an uitje (ui-tje = onion). Hehehe. He's still as crazy as ever. :D

I had a nice sleep.

Woman - The Most Intelligent Creature

I was talking to Veve when she was driving me to the office this noon. I paused to see what her expression was to hear my story when I saw her typing sms on her mobile phone while driving. I was suddenly freaked out and asked her to stop doing that. She said it was alright. She just glanced to the cell screen once in a while to see if she typed right. Still.. it was our precious life I was worrying about. You never know what could happen. I can tolerate calling while driving for you can just talk. But typing is a different case.

Nevertheless, I'm always amazed in how well a woman can manage to do some things at the same time. In that example above, Veve was (1) listening to me, (2) driving, (3) thinking of what she should type in the sms, and (4) the typing itself. Just like when I was still working at CDU, I was typing on the computer with my left hand, calling and trying to convince a potential student by sticking the phone handle between my ears and shoulder and typing an sms for my friend with my right hand. Marvellous!

Patience, Strong Feeling, Love

Talking in Indonesian term, who can love as best as our women? In the old times, even still now though not as many, men are free to take more than one wife. The wives should live happily and get along with one another. I watched a contest of Which Men Get the Most Wives a while ago on TV and shuddered. Each contestant - the man is usually an old rich guy - was so proud to show off their merry joyful marriage life and boasted on how well the wives communicate with one another and patiently wait for their "turn" to get the husband's affection.

Now now, that is absolutely obnoxious to me. But at the same time, I do respect people's cultures and beliefs, though in any way I can ever logically regard, it will never be fair for the women, to be such inferiors. My admiration, in the other hand, really goes to those ladies' patience and strong feeling and love for the man they respect (I have to admit that there might be other reasons beside love and feelings to hold on to such life). Cause I know I can never accept that in my own life.

Women = Fairer skin

My mind might be a strange sample of Indonesian women's thought. Let's take the colour of the skin as an example. Most girls and women care a lot about making their skin "whiter". Many whitening cosmetics products have been launched continously these past few years to meet the female customers' demand of a whiter fairer skin. Good strategy, of course, since these women are really dying to have less Asian skin. But I really can't apply it to myself!

Face it, we live in a tropical country with the sun shining all year long. We are blessed with nice tan brownie skin to protect us from skin cancer of having too much sunlight. We don't get to feel an extreme freezing cold like what the countries in the other side of the world have in winter. But why do we, especially women, always fuss about the sunlight gets through the glassy window of the car or house? Why do we wear jacket to the hot beach and cause ourselves to sweat heavily? Why can't we think that our colour is sweet and exotic as hell? Why don't we just accept ourselves as we are blessed to be?

My tan after vacation.

I'm happy with myself. I don't think I'm an inferior and that I should meet general people's expectation of beauty. I do care about skin's health, but I also consider my own pleasure. When I want to enjoy the sun's warmth and earth's beauty with my own eyes by laying on the beach, I'll do it. Doing that already made me extremely blessed that I live.. I breathe.. I enjoy.. and feel peace.

Appreciate what you have got first, then you can really appreciate yourself.

I'm back, Nasty World!!! I had a great fun in Karimun Jawa and though my main intention of escaping there did not work very well, I've got just an excellent adventure ever! I achieved something, I think. The courage of being friends with deep water and knowing its beauty down there. Vomitting on the way there seemed to be paid off when I got to see the real paradise. :)

I've not been feeling too good to work these past two days. School becomes painful and sucks. Excellogix bores me a little, except that the fact that I can meet my dear dear friends there. I've boasted a lot, eaten a lot, pooped a lot (wahahaha.. different behaviour of my original unbalanced nature urge schedule). Good thing though, except that I'm feeling fatter and fatter each day. But.. who cares? As long as I'm still myself, I'd get nothing to complain.

Feeling like flirting lately. Anyone available? :D
Where did we go wrong, baby
Did this cold, cold world turn us into stone
Well Now all I battle is your ego and your pride
It's ticking like a time bomb
Ready to ignite
Hurt me to fight
So who's gonna rescue us from ourselves
When we gonna wake up (wake up)
[Wake up - Alicia Keys]
It has finally been decided. I'm moving on.
How I love hurting myself like this.
I am leaving for Karimun Jawa islands tonight. Yeah, that's what I need. Escape. *Whistle whistle* I'll probably drink just much alcohol and fuck a cute guy and swim myself all the way to the blue blue ocean.
Yeah well.. Pyor will be there, so she can be my stabilizator or whatsoever. I'll owe her much later.
Damn, it's already 6 something and I'm gonna have to leave at 8 and I STILL have not got any replacement for my teaching at St. Clara on the 18th!!! Idiot teaching job! I'll sure quit!!!
There's a whispering wind, I feel it inside
Like a place I can feel but never will see
Let a whisper come touch you, come touch every thing
I stand in the way of the things I can be
[Maby - Whispering]
Last weekend was fun. Saturday I slept the whole day, just.. till Rina called for 2 hours in the afternoon. I went to her house then, watched some series of kung-fu movies she rented, slept over and went back almost noon the next day. I stayed only an hour to clean myself for then left home for a karaoke time with website workmates. The event was fun and singing did relieve some of my stressful thoughts.
In the mean time, I was thinking. I questioned many principal things about life, reviewed my almost 25 years journey, analyzed what I have done so far and got scared off of the fact that I'm supposed to be more serious in things. I've felt that I need more privacy, one thing I can barely get at home. I've felt the need to absolutely perceive that my things really belong to me, and not other people. I've felt like being free. I felt like being loved. I felt like..
But I've my bound at home. My beloved mother.. brother.. Zwartje and Kabuki..
This morning I felt a bit fresher than these past 3 days (only a bit, huh). I decided to postpone my thinking fase, or say.. postpone getting the answers. Tried to relax on my free-teaching day. Rubbed masker on my face (after half a year?). Cleaned and sorted some of my small things. Played computer games. Read novels Rina lent me. Slept. Ate. Played with Kabuki.
I decided to take more care of myself. Spoil me more. Get me some vacation soon (not yet known where to go though). Just.. let me out of my riddles for a moment.
Yes, for a moment, please.
[Instrumentalia - Dzihan Kamien - Homebase]

I love Friday.. but also hate it. In one side Fridays always give a sort of relieved feeling that it's the end of the workdays of the week and tomorrow I can dream in my bed a bit longer. In another side, I'm always pretty stressed up with all the works load and mind burden that I may have not done good enough.

Well.. I just led a knowledge sharing [an activity that is done twice a month at my website office]. It was alright though I was not satisfied. I got the evening turn, that's why. There are not so many people working in the evening and there were like only 4 persons attending it, and only 2 of them are really practicing what I explain. It was about making a website layout with Adobe Photoshop. I really thanked Vanie, Jussie and Anton for paying attention on my tut. Love you guys.. Oh and also Alex, though he did it whilst working. I thought I would see some familiar expected faces in my tut, but....

Looks like my hard work came into nothing.. Yeah well.. whatever..

Who really cares? Who really cares when I talk? What I feel? What I say?
Nobody not really
Who wants to take the time to find a stand?
[Alicia Keys - Nobody Not Really]

In overall, this was not a very good week. On Wednesday I bumped my head to the wall (yes, accidently) at BCA, I broke 2 pairs of my high-heel shoes two days in a row, I had a kind of clash with my boss (first, and hopefully the last), a mess in my class cause 2 students threw up.. whatelse whatelse..

Well I'd better not remember those or I'll suffer in my weekend. The week was not super bad afterall, I've got Alicia Keys' newest CD from Nyo Nyo today so it should cover my disappointment.

No dinner tonight.