After having a bad first level mental crisis of aging, I finally managed to accept that I am now over 25. I've had these worries for 3 weeks that getting 25 could be such a nightmare for someone who still feels like 17. Time slips away so easily. How come was I not aware that I was getting closer to having white hair all over? Ok, I exageratted it. But when was the time when I was 20? 21? 22? 23? 24? Did I skip it just like that or did I just ride on a time machine?
Well, I had some discussions 'bout it with Veve a few days before I had my birthday and she told me not to worry; it's a normal thing to have and I still have just a looooooong way to go and enjoy myself. Yet it was not enough to make me feel better. I spent each day without realizing what I actually did. My world evolved around myself, my teaching job, my website job, Marijn's emails and installing, uninstalling and reinstalling the troublesome The Sims Unleashed and Makin' Magic. Did I do anything else? I can't remember. *fake Dory's voices from far away*
Till that scary day came. I woke up, called in sick at school, played computer game the whole day, got calls and smses to wish me the merriest birthday (I had to recharge the cell's battery again for that), until the time came for me for Excellogix, getting a sweet sweet cake from beloved workmates, kisses and hugs, surprise party in the evening (for Dinny as well as she's leaving), I knew I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I acted like it, though. Smiles and laughs. Appreciation flew. I did appreciate all. But what happened was I locked myself in the office's toilet, cried hard and soundlessly, washed my face and failed to get my red eyes back normal again, thinking and feeling that there was something wrong with me.
I had a cold and fever later before going home; which made it worse. I felt miserable but I couldn't speak it. How could I? I was the should-be-all-smiley-and-happy birthday girl. Until my cell rang at 9. I glanced at the screen and saw the magic word "call" in the middle of my Nokia 3310. Overseas call.
It cured me just in seconds. Real smiles were showing. Real laughs. Real happy feeling. Carla was back.
The Birthday Girl
To smoothen it all, dinner with Tom on Saturday night completed all my growing-old process. I was telling him about this long anxiety, and this light response of his brought me back to the world, "Oh, you'll get through it. You'll get that again when you're 30, 40 and 45."
It was the time when I realized it was not the end of the world.
I can see the first leaves falling
It’s all yellow and nice
It’s all very cold outside
Like the way I’m feeling inside
I’m a big big girl
In a big big world
It’s not a big big thing
.....
[Big Big World - Emilia]
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