Who is the person I miss the most at the moment?

Pei.

I miss her laugh.
I miss her caring attitude.
I miss her wise ideas (for someone who is a year younger than me, I consider her very very wise and mature).
I miss talking to her.
I miss going out with her to simply drink some coffee at the Excelso's or watch a movie/DVD.
I miss staying the night at her place and gossipping the whole night through.
I miss her (OMG) wicked and naughty thoughts.
I even miss her annoying me!

I WANNA GO HOME!!!
Mood: upset
Reading: Abharat
Listening to: the soundtracks of Tokyo Drift
Watching: Garfield 2

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A few days ago Mariza just told me about her resigning at her diving company, because of a little unfriendly friends and weird boss (I met them when I was in Bali last month, and Andy (her boss) was certainly not an ideal leader).
She sounded to be so lost and alone and sad when I called her on Saturday morning, and I wished I could be there for her. But the only communications we could do were via chat on yahoo messenger and smses. I was in her situation before so I could relate.

In a way I felt so sorry for her, but then I was also feeling grateful working at English First Tegal, which working environment was so nice.

But that was not for long.

On Monday, basically the first fasting working day here in Indonesia for the Moslems, I had this problem with one of the teachers, Ms. Aya.

Our classes were switched. I am handling her class, and she’s handling mine. EF sometimes does things like that for a reason, but again, the reason is not always revealed to the teachers concerned.

Ms. Aya’s husband happens to be in the class she took over from me. And when she asked me where the attendance folder of the class was to me, we had this small talk about our feelings towards the classes switched.
And since at that time I was writing comments to be written on the certificates, my concentration was totally divided. Yet, I still could remember what we said to each other.

I remember I told her how I already felt very comfortable with the class and what a pity it was switched (I thought it was normal to share things like that, since the other teachers do that, too). And I also remember that I mentioned something about her husband being there, jokingly, or whatever, but I NEVER remember saying things that hurt her. At least I didn’t mean it.
And at that very time, she also didn’t show anything like getting upset or something. So I thought everything was OK.

Until at seven o’clock, I should have finished all the classes, I saw the folder of that class on my desk. I was wondering about it, so I called Ernie, the director of studies, about it. Before doing that, Mr. Budi told me that Ms. Aya was so very angry/upset with me. So I went like, “Huh?”

Later I knew that she already left home, at the time she was supposed to teach that class! Nobody was available, so I had to teach that class in the end anyway. I didn’t mind it. But what the hell was her problem, doing such a thing unprofessionally like that?! She didn’t communicate anything to me or to Ernie. She just fussed behind my back that she was mad at me, and left her class unattended like nothing should be discussed.

I could see that it was all a misunderstanding. There must be some things in the words I told her that hurt her, but when yesterday morning we had a meeting with Ernie about it, she told Ernie that it was me who was being difficult, by not handing her the attendance folder of that class. She said that I handed her that finally 5 minutes before the class.

Again, “Huh?”

I gave that stupid folder at 5 o’clock, I remember very well about it, cause I didn’t meet/talk with her again after 5:30. I even explained her where she should start the next lesson. The class concerned, by the way, would start at 7:10. How come was she claiming that I gave it to her 5 minutes before the class??? And besides, teachers can always take the folders from the other teachers’ desk freely if they happen to have that class that week, WITHOUT having to consult with the previous teacher who teaches that class! So I told her bluntly there that she was making this all up, just for the sake of strengthening her being upset case with me.

She also mentioned things I felt I didn’t say, and rudely she pointed her finger in front of my face in that meeting. What the heck!

It was HER that had the problem, you know. I did NOT even KNOW that I was the one she was upsetting about until 7 p.m. that evening! She didn’t tell me a thing! Instead, she went around telling everybody else BUT ME that I was doing this bad thing and that.

I completely understand that she might have this mood swing because she was fasting, and I could easily forgive or even apologise if I was wrong. But then, how could I do that if I didn’t even know that I was THE PROBLEM?

I’m sorry if this offends anyone, but I’m going a bit racist here. I notice this behaviour SO Javanese. Silencing in front of the people concerned, but talking wild behind his/her back, that is. One of the worst qualities in the world I can never respect. Combined with this was happening at the work place made it the perfect occurrence that has ever annoyed me so far.
And this is the very same person who stayed the night in my room last week.
Fuck!
Reading: Mark's journal
Listening to: Morcheeba

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This is a comment I tried to post on Mark's journal. Now after I read it for the second time, I actually realised that some of my arguments do not relate what he's talking about there. But I don't know... I think they are a pretty honest argument, though may not be the best one.

I posted it here as I saw that actually this is way too long to be a comment, and cause I cannot post the comment there (the post comment button didn't work). Hahaha....

Oh btw, read his journal first before you read what I wrote here.
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As much as I want to agree with some points of your definition of love, I’ve actually already given up thinking/analyzing too much about it. I had all of these discussions about love a couple of years ago, asking myself why I fell in love, why I had it with this or that person, why it couldn’t be simpler, why people (I) could get so selfish when it came to love, why the person I loved made it so complicated, why I made it so complicated, why I couldn’t just enjoy my life without thinking/worrying if my relationship could survive or not, why this and why that.

After months and months of questioning myself I came to this best conclusion (for me) to not ask, analyze and think anymore. Because to ask consumes most of my time and energy just to get the answer (while I can actually do something else that is more important); to analyze my relationship always brings me some suffering in the end; and to think and guess about my boyfriend’s feelings towards me confuses me even much more. I also learnt that actually those thoughts brought more negative (or positive, depending on your relationship) views of love life in general and made me more cynical. It also turned me to be somebody else I didn’t want myself to be and prevented me to move on to a better life and perspective.

SO, I came to this conclusion, that we (I) should NOT think, define, analyze or worry about love that much. Love, just like anger, scared, happy etc., is a feeling. Love is for us to feel, enjoy, cherish, be sad for, be excited for. But not to be analyzed too much. On the other hand, I am not encouraging us to not use our brain at all when we’re trapped into this love game, cause it won’t be wise to neglect a lot of love signs the other person transfers, cause again, love makes us happy. Why letting such an opportunity of a prospective happiness?

Cause love is a feeling. Just like sadness and happiness. It’s simple (for everyone can feel it) yet also so complicated (for WE make it complicated by our own paranoia and wound we had in the past).

In short, feel the love, and be happy in it. Live for the present, learn from the past but don’t let the past eat you. And work for the future, but again don’t be too stuck in it that you fail to feel grateful for what the present brings you.

27.
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27.

My magic number.

I now am 27 starting from 27 August 2006.

I really don’t know what to expect this year. But I’ve set a few big plans and I’m determined to make them come true. I just hope I won’t forget it in the next 12 months. Hehe….

In the mean time, my thanks go to:

Marijn, for his nice birthday wishes and great presents.
Mariza, for her cool companion during my time in Sanur beach, Bali.
Rina, for her sweet call.
Mark Mulder, for his generous call.
Vanie, for her sms and her kind help for the Bali ticket.
Felix, for his sms and testimonial on Friendster.
Vitria, for her sms.
Ella (EF Staff), for her sms.
Juz, for her sms.
Viant (EF student) for her sms.
Ernie, for her sms.
Pam, for her sms.
Nisa, for her sms.
Mia, for dropping by on this blog and wishing me a happy birthday.
Valens, for his b'day wish on YM.
Pei, for the call (which was answered by Mariza. :P)

Thank you all. I appreciate these very much.

Kisses,
Carla.