Am I Beautiful?

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional - So Beautiful

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful

The topics of girly conversations that have been raised to me lately (read: these past 4 weeks) are around dieting, getting to the age of a more serious relationship or marriage, beauty attempts and how men suck.

All have not ever had a big space in my mind to bother about, until some really close friends mentioned and worried about them.

Veve one day came to me and with an almost crying face. She complained that she got another wedding invitation in June. "Err.., I said, "Shouldn't you be happy that your friend is getting married?" She explained that it made her have to buy a new party gown, which resulted to her having to save some money for it, which resulted again that she had to go on a diet for the gown to be fit in her body. Hehe.. Don't ask me why it's complicated when it's not. It's what the women like us can best do. Then she also encouraged me to go on a diet, too, with her (doing some exercises and watching the food we eat). She gave me the sadly but truly excellent reason for me to be forced to do it: Mark is coming. Don't you wanna look good for him?
Of course I do. But with all my full activities during the week, when do I have the chance to go to the gym and shape my body (hell yeah.. excuses!). I did try to do the sit-ups, though. For three days. Until my watching-the-food-I-eat programme ruined my stomach last week. Bleh.

So here we are back to the issue of fatness. Do you remember how I used to defend my gaining extra fat by telling you that the fat is a blessing? Something that makes a woman a woman. I do still believe in it. And I am quite happy with my curves. Unfortunately, somehow the general Indonesian perception of how the women's body should look like have gotten into me and brainwashed me. Recall those friendly insults I've been receiving. No, I am not into the super skinny obsession! But I feel like having my flat stomach back. At the perfect time Mark came to me with an argument that a woman's tummy should be a little fat, and not hollow, and that's what should be considered sexy. He likes it that way. He loves it that way. Of course he hasn't seen me in real. Nevertheless, it did give me a good strike to bring me back to my old perception of weight. Exactly just what I've been questioning myself when I looked at my naked reflection in the mirror every morning: What the hell is wrong with my body? Seriously, it is still in a good proportion. Fatter, but in balance with the other growing parts of my whole body.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful

Well if my friends have succeeded in brainwashing me about my uglier shape, I've apparently succeeded in convincing Rina that the extra fat is one of a lot of things about us that we should be proud of. Read her latest journal here.
Again, it hits me hard. Why am I forgetting all I have said and believed? I'm not lacking anything. I've got my hair, face, skin and every other section of my body normal. All are functioning, all are not worth being sad for. I still wear my best smile and I still charm people with my words. So stop complaining, Carla! And stop listening to the external complaints, too! You're beautiful.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful

Then I realised it. The mind trick the people and I have been playing with my brain.
Confidence. Believing in yourself. Standing for what you trust.
Of course I can't deny I'm gaining weight. Of course I must admit that I want my tummy to be like it used to be. But I'm not going to stress myself in my attempts to achieve that.
I'll do the sit-ups, alright. I'll walk more often (the best exercise to burn my fat and save more money). I'll eat healthy food. But nothing... nothing will ever make me hurt myself and my mind again.

As much as I expect people to do so, I'll also watch my words towards other people's appearance. Though I can hardly recall myself giving physical attack first, I think I've done it once, too. If I did it to you and you happened to read this, I apologise. I know it best that it hurts just so much to hear a discouragement from your friends you love and trust. So why not making ourselves comfortable and together say aloud: I am beautiful.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful