Am I Beautiful?

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional - So Beautiful
Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful
The topics of girly conversations that have been raised to me lately (read: these past 4 weeks) are around dieting, getting to the age of a more serious relationship or marriage, beauty attempts and how men suck.

All have not ever had a big space in my mind to bother about, until some really close friends mentioned and worried about them.

Veve one day came to me and with an almost crying face. She complained that she got another wedding invitation in June. "Err.., I said, "Shouldn't you be happy that your friend is getting married?" She explained that it made her have to buy a new party gown, which resulted to her having to save some money for it, which resulted again that she had to go on a diet for the gown to be fit in her body. Hehe.. Don't ask me why it's complicated when it's not. It's what the women like us can best do. Then she also encouraged me to go on a diet, too, with her (doing some exercises and watching the food we eat). She gave me the sadly but truly excellent reason for me to be forced to do it: Mark is coming. Don't you wanna look good for him?
Of course I do. But with all my full activities during the week, when do I have the chance to go to the gym and shape my body (hell yeah.. excuses!). I did try to do the sit-ups, though. For three days. Until my watching-the-food-I-eat programme ruined my stomach last week. Bleh.

So here we are back to the issue of fatness. Do you remember how I used to defend my gaining extra fat by telling you that the fat is a blessing? Something that makes a woman a woman. I do still believe in it. And I am quite happy with my curves. Unfortunately, somehow the general Indonesian perception of how the women's body should look like have gotten into me and brainwashed me. Recall those friendly insults I've been receiving. No, I am not into the super skinny obsession! But I feel like having my flat stomach back. At the perfect time Mark came to me with an argument that a woman's tummy should be a little fat, and not hollow, and that's what should be considered sexy. He likes it that way. He loves it that way. Of course he hasn't seen me in real. Nevertheless, it did give me a good strike to bring me back to my old perception of weight. Exactly just what I've been questioning myself when I looked at my naked reflection in the mirror every morning: What the hell is wrong with my body? Seriously, it is still in a good proportion. Fatter, but in balance with the other growing parts of my whole body.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful
Well if my friends have succeeded in brainwashing me about my uglier shape, I've apparently succeeded in convincing Rina that the extra fat is one of a lot of things about us that we should be proud of. Read her latest journal here.
Again, it hits me hard. Why am I forgetting all I have said and believed? I'm not lacking anything. I've got my hair, face, skin and every other section of my body normal. All are functioning, all are not worth being sad for. I still wear my best smile and I still charm people with my words. So stop complaining, Carla! And stop listening to the external complaints, too! You're beautiful.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful

Then I realised it. The mind trick the people and I have been playing with my brain.
Confidence. Believing in yourself. Standing for what you trust.
Of course I can't deny I'm gaining weight. Of course I must admit that I want my tummy to be like it used to be. But I'm not going to stress myself in my attempts to achieve that.
I'll do the sit-ups, alright. I'll walk more often (the best exercise to burn my fat and save more money). I'll eat healthy food. But nothing... nothing will ever make me hurt myself and my mind again.

As much as I expect people to do so, I'll also watch my words towards other people's appearance. Though I can hardly recall myself giving physical attack first, I think I've done it once, too. If I did it to you and you happened to read this, I apologise. I know it best that it hurts just so much to hear a discouragement from your friends you love and trust. So why not making ourselves comfortable and together say aloud: I am beautiful.

Careful now, you're so beautiful
When you've convinced yourself
That no one else is quite as beautiful

10 comments:

  1. Anonymous1:43 pm

    my answer is, I have already seen u as a beautiful girl. ^_^

    from ur fan
    YND ^_~

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  2. Hehehe...everyone's is beautiful in their own way kok la :) you're beautiful, and of course i am too *narcist mode: ON" aku juga gak isa ngerti kenapa cewek sexy jaman sekarang ini = kurus kering, putih susu, rambut panjang di ion (+ diwarnai). Buat aku, banyak cewek sekarang jadi korban mode, contoh: kalo kita jalan2 di tp / mall, hampir semua cewek yg kita liat dari belakang sama semua :p
    Doh, aku iki ngelantur kemana2 ya la.
    Intinya seh, kalo kita bisa menerima diri kita apa adanya, kita beautiful kok. (Dietku emang perlu selain buat penampilan sementara juga kesehatan hehehe...maklum menuju batas obesitas :p)

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  3. Yendy.... thank you, hun. :) It made my day.

    Vei... very true. But the thing is we really can't say it "cewek sexy zaman sekarang" cause I do think it really depends where the thought/perception comes from. Here yes, beauty is bone skinny, fair skin and long ion-ed hair. But my overseas friends, as well as yours I believe, prefer some curves in a woman's body. We can't find it praised highly here cause it's defined as "a bit fat" or to put it rudely: gembrot. ppphhhtttt...

    So are curves no longer a sexy asset of ours? Or is it my own definition of "sexy" that girls should be having fat in some places?

    All in all. It's in the mind. Take Hughes.. she's so fuckin fat but so fuckin beautiful at the same time.. cause she's confident. And she knows she is beautiful. When you believe you're beautiful, your whole face/expression/body will say "sexy!" about you.

    But isn't this world a nicer place to live in when people don't fuss too much about it and learn to respect somebody else? :P :)

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  4. Agree la!
    So as what you said, i want to announce:
    I AM beautiful, coz I believe I'm beautiful (^__^)

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  5. Berbahagialah kita ketika kecantikan kita terlihat oleh orang lain tanpa kita menyebutkannya,karena itu berarti kita memiliki kecantikan yang sesungguhnya di dalam hati kita yang kemudian terpancar dengan indahnya secara fisik.

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  6. Yeap Yeap Yeap ! Let's just make us comfortable with ourselves!

    We are beautiful ! Even with some fat here and some fat there! hehehehehe.....

    Besides, our extra weight hasn't reached the critical limit to freak on ^__+

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  7. haha... agree w/ dolphinrider :D

    you are beautiful when you know how to respect yourself, treat others in such a manner,and be able to smile in front of a mirror everyday and be grateful of how we are.

    reduce fatness is only for health sake.

    hiks, yendy...u broke my heart...
    :p

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  8. another reason why i "kinda" dont want to go back to indonesia, BORING!! what considered "cool" is only when you feel, dress, talk and act the same way as any other people in the nations; when you're stand out by yourself, having and enjoying ur attitude and dress up in your own way "they" call it "freak" .. so much for diversity there, and of course, i know perfectly well if i go back i would be that "freaky" kind-a-girl; not that i care tho' but it sucks big time .. so what if we have a bit tummy, we're still smarter than them?!!!! hahaaaa!! oh yeah!! we are!!! and thus, those who said that we're "fat" well.. sorry to say but "they're not my target group, so why should i care?!!!" ;)

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  9. Shierly... (imoet), this post is sure a good way to claim yourself beautiful without me being critical, huh? Or otherwise I'd have to swallow back all I've said. LOL.

    Enyoh... (dolphinrider).. good shot, girl. hihihi.. listen to her, girls!

    Rina, No.. not yet critical. But if we are letting us to grow more than now, trouble's threathening. Hehehe..

    coolz, I fully support any idea to keep ourselves healthy. Sickness sucks. I'll do anything as long as I don't have to face lonely awful nights feeling bad, or have my arms wired in a drug-smelled room of a hospital!

    mea, EXACTLY!!! You're lucky you're not here, though. Nobody's questioning you or telling you how to dress up and if you're fat or not. *stressing out here* Of course I'd love to not listen to evil voices that make my mentality down. They're my nothing, alright. But bear to hear it throughout the year, each time they're going ruder and ruder. Pphhhtt..
    Maar meisje, I've always liked your style. So always be Mia I know and keep rockin'! :)

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  10. decsaint8:15 pm

    don't be fooled by superficial beauty....get real
    like vei have said: everyone is beautiful in their own way...some maybe is unblessfully ugly...
    but the point is, quoting Christina Aguillera" I am beautiful,no matter what they say"
    and carla, you are uniquely beautiful

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