Mood: bored, empty, confused.

I actually don't look like what mood I'm having at the moment. But feeling weird somehow that I've spent quite a hard time to sleep a wink at night - while normally it's never a problem considering my tight schedule and limited time for sleep.

This may be a loneliness or something.. both mentally and physically. But my expectation is not just to spend a fun time with nobody. It must be sweet to be loved and cared for.. Occassionally getting attentions and letting go some burdens in mind. A little spoiled.. Man, when can I enjoy that again?

Am crazy about Paul Walker - Brian O'Conner in 2 Fast 2 Furious - at the moment. He looks like somebody I admire very much in a way. But still... *blank eyes staring at nothing* The loneliness stays. Wish there's something real fun coming up.

Paul Walker

2:42 pm

Strange things happen.

Last Wednesday I went home with Denni as usual. I asked him to visit Niaga ATM for 5 minutes to do a transfer and a Rp 50,000 withdrawal. Arriving home, I slept and the day ended nicely.

I decided to take a day off on Thursday. My stomach and legs felt really weird due to the flows. So I stayed at home, played computer games and watched 2 Fast 2 Furious DVD the whole day.

This morning. Friday is a day when I have to bring some snack for our illegal coffee break at 15:00. I was planning to bake some cookies or cakes.. so I took my purse, craved for my one and only money of Rp 50,000, and found nothing. I checked again. Still nothing. Again. Nothing. OK, time to be annoying.

Using the best angry stern voice I could have, I was angry all over with everybody at home. I didn't go anywhere after I withdrew that money - which means I did NOT use it for paying ANYTHING, so WHERE THE HELL HAS IT GONE???

Of course no one knows.

Well this is not the first time, but I've been quiet too long to avoid unnecessary fights, but fuck! Couldn't whoever-took-it check and see that I had no more money but that Rp 50,000??? Only another single coin of Rp 500 stayed in my purse and it is worth nothing!

Rp 50,000 is not big but I got it by working. And these naughty hands should really be slapped and injured badly one day. I'm not gonna take the tuyul superstitious this time. Cause it was not. Maybe never was. I'm getting sicker living there.

6:53 pm

Tuesday is usually a very nice half relaxing day. It was this morning. I didn't do much but sleeping to pay back the lost sleeping time.

As soon as I arrived at the office at noon, I had a mood swing as instantly as I couldn't get ANY WIND from the fan, neither from the AIRCON! Bing was sick and Pyor doesn't like cold. That led to the fact that the fan should be directed up facing the roof to get the wind reflected. When I wanted to get the fan facing me, protests came out telling me that I should share it with the others, WHO HAD ALREADY ENJOYED THE FUN FEELING OF THE AC!!!

I couldn't work at all with such heat. So I was just playing around and disturbing friends. Veve suggested me to make a deal with Pyorr to switch place [Pyorr doesn't like AC, but she sits nearby]. I asked her, and Pyorr agreed. Phew. We're gonna move our things tomorrow. :P

Fatness.

I'm wearing a quite sexy sleeveless top today (to make myself feel less hot). No one was commenting until it was dinner time, and Shierly joyfully reminded me that I'd got big upper arms displayed.

These people... Can't they just keep their comments for themselves? I don't need to be told OVER AND OVER AGAIN that I'm fat! I realise that I am. Whether or not I'm going to change the fact, it's all up to me! I'm already very sick to hear that 24/7 from various people I know, WHO HAD ALREADY PICTURED ME AS A SKINNY GIRL!

Well things changed, guys. I have my hormones and I'm getting older. What the hell could I do when the fat stays?! So.. please... pretty please.. just stay back and bear in mind that I have feelings, too! Thank you!

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me: "Que sera, sera, Whatever will be, will be;
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera, What will be, will be."
[Que Sera Sera - Doris Day]

7:02 pm

Yep, that's me. Hehehe..

I spent my first day of the weekend doing almost nothing but playing games and sleeping. The busy nice weekend I was thriving to get turned out to be NOT that busy and nice. I've read all the comics, novels and books. I've watched all the DVDs and VCDs -- my brother was going to rent me some animes but he found out that it was closed. :( Yeah, it was pretty boring. ANYWAY, Michelle's voices all over the house can always be the cure of boredom. She's just too... cute! And aggressive, I'd say that she's got that from her mom. She kicks and moves her arms a lot.. and sometimes when we were bending to kiss her, she just kicked our chest just in the right place that we had to scream in pain. Grrrmmmbblll.... I predicted that she would be a kickboxer type of girl when she's growing up in a couple of years. Hihi..

Well, I DID have a relaxing though boring Saturday.. but Sunday was not quite the same. After talking on the phone for three hours with Rina on Saturday night, I woke up pretty late on Sunday morning.. That's ok, though, cause I was having my private teaching in the afternoon anyway. But I spent most of the time I was awake by playing games. I felt REALLY bored. So I called Rina just before I went to Ian's house, accepting her the-night-before offer to have an Excelso time at TP. It was good, except the fact that I did not bring my purse! Swallowing back my dignity, I was owing my becak driver some money to pay the bemo fare. *blush in purplish red* Yeah I know.. horrible. Anyway, Rina paid everything in our outing (I'll pay her back later of course). At about 21:00 we took a Blue Bird taxi, which is always believed to be the best taxi company in Indonesia, to find out that he was absolutely a weird person.

He is so much into "Dunia Lain" issue. During our supposed-to-be-convenient journey home, he kept talking about tuyul, genderuwo, sundel bolong, kuntilanak and stuff. Rina was already a bit uneasy and I totally disliked it. We told him to stop talking shit but he kept going. He seemed to be so proud about his "gift" to be able to see the ghosts or spirits, and gave us what-so-called tips of "trapping a tuyul". The driver told us that there was also a follower spirit that protected him in whatever he'd done.. and in the end of our journey, he promised to send him to us in the middle of that night. Sucker!

Well.. arriving home, the TV was playing Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie and Queen Latifa on The Bone Collector. I got interested and watched it. Not realizing that the movie just started. So that means.. it ended at 1 o'clock!!! I couldn't directly sleep so that made me rested for only 3 or 3.5 hours? Ekk... Not to mention that my becak driver didn't come to pick me up (AGAIN... third time in a week!) So gotta take another taxi and got slightly late at school.

*sigh*

5:40 pm

Ohh.. finally!!!! My long-expected weekend is coming! It's Friday already, Ladies and Gentlemen. Time for me to hibernate for a while and take a revenge of my stolen hours of sleep this week!

I was visiting Rina's grandmother's funeral on Wednesday when I came there after the office hours, which was at about 9:45, talking for an hour, and she was asking/suggesting me to stay the night instead of going home that late. I was doubting for a while.. since I had a class the next morning. She promised that her sister would take me home very early in the morning. 3 seconds thought, looking at her sad face for losing her grannie, which is not often showed, and I said OK.

Sleeping at your bestfriend's will cost you corrupted hours of sleep by your chit-chat for about.. 2 hours? 3? Hihi.. It was always fun and enjoyable, nevertheless, so I didn't regret it. Except that I could hardly open my eyes the next morning in the class. :P

Anyway! Cause of that and some other sleepless nights of this week, I decided to turn down my friends' invitation of clubbing at Sampoerna's House tonight. Instead I'll just relax and read comics/books or play The Sims or some other game, or just watch dvd or whatever fun-doing at home. Then sleeping the whole day on Saturday. Ouuwww.... would be so erg leuk!

I'll probably cook/bake something on Sunday. It's been a long time since I did it the last time. :P I'll tell you the result by Monday.. or let my friends decide how it tastes at the non-official coffee break time. :D

Au revoir!!!

8:44 pm

Got this from Veve... [she does really like finding out internet quizes. hihihi..]

I forgot what the link is. I'll probably edit this post later.. but here's my outcome.

You are Red Monkey, whose simple and natural personality is easily understood by those around you. [really?]
You can make others feel safe. [I don't know, you tell me]
You will take on any favor asked, and have a strong volunteer spirits. [Umm.. not really. I'm very selfish at times.]
Even if you get angry, you don't hold that against people for long time. [true]
You are simple forthright person. [right]
You are a person with sensitivity. [sometimes]
If you use this sensitivity at work and in hobbies, you will achieve great results. [ok]
You should learn a lot while young, and use that experience to help the society in the future. [already am]
You also possess great talent in carrying out matters and handling it efficiently. [when the mood is good, yeah.. hehe]
You are a very active person. [not in sport, though]
You are smart and calculating. [hahaha... pretty right]
You can be rather short tempered, and will not tell your true feelings. [I was once.. but I've learnt enough that nothing's better than an honesty. Short tempered is correct]
This may make you bit lonely, so don't forget to have a broad mind. [yeah.. am often lonely :(]
You are a quick learner, so you will be favored by your boss. [I know. hehehe..]
But if there isn't a person who can set an example, you can not carry out work efficiently. [What??? No way! I'm usually the pioneer!!!]
You may be suited to stay as number two than to stand at the top. [Not true again. I like to be the centre of attention]
You are independent and keeps your own pace. [Yep!]
So it may be better to keep away from the impossible. [What do you mean?]
Because you are a popular person, you will be asked out by many people. Try and turn down offers nicely, or you may disturb the living pace and your own personal relationships. [Haha.. thank you for guessing it so precisely!!! I did not take attentions to HOW I turned them down lately, though]
Your marriage fortune is very good. You will do great as a housewife and also as the person committed to do good for the society. [good to hear about the marriage! But a HOUSEWIFE??? You must be kidding, right?]

Yeah well.. pretty good to have some fun time on the net like that. Mocking friends' result :D Good to get away from my hypocriteness of telling myself not to speak with him anymore, but did last night. Just a day after I was trying to convince myself. :P Plin Plan!

8:52 pm

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.

I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.

You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.

Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.

The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.

They’re swept away and nothing is what it seems,

The feeling of belonging to your dreams.

[Listen to Your Heart - Roxette]

Being in a tight argument with my mind lately. An important time to decide what to do, act and feel tomorrow morning, the morning after and so on.. Inside, I feel very much like freezing the whole me. Thinking that I might look stronger and more imuned to pain of heart. Thinking that it might change me into a more logical rational person, rather than an emotional impulsive one like now. But the other opposite of my want has resisted. Telling me that my emotions are what make me what I am now. Telling me that it's what makes me a unique loving and annoying person at the same time. Saying that I should keep my present personality, instead of changing into another that I've proved in daily life of others, to be a failure - though not impossible, is hard to mend.

I still don't know what to do. I sometimes got tickled to unblock him, and I did, but then remembered again that it should be the best for the two of us, and I reblocked him. It happened like already 10 times this week. I really am weak in being firm at this. I keep reminding myself, however, that the best was to tell him I hated him, though I don't; the best was to break every contact, though I do not want to.

It's the best... right?
I know it is, you'll tell me it is.
But how do I get my peaceful life back without those restless, full-of-nightmare nights?
I'm so screwed.

8:36 pm