Flying Nowhere

I know there’s something in the wake of your smile.
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea.
You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea.
They’re swept away and nothing is what it seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.
[Listen to Your Heart - Roxette]

Being in a tight argument with my mind lately. An important time to decide what to do, act and feel tomorrow morning, the morning after and so on.. Inside, I feel very much like freezing the whole me. Thinking that I might look stronger and more imuned to pain of heart. Thinking that it might change me into a more logical rational person, rather than an emotional impulsive one like now. But the other opposite of my want has resisted. Telling me that my emotions are what make me what I am now. Telling me that it's what makes me a unique loving and annoying person at the same time. Saying that I should keep my present personality, instead of changing into another that I've proved in daily life of others, to be a failure - though not impossible, is hard to mend.

I still don't know what to do. I sometimes got tickled to unblock him, and I did, but then remembered again that it should be the best for the two of us, and I reblocked him. It happened like already 10 times this week. I really am weak in being firm at this. I keep reminding myself, however, that the best was to tell him I hated him, though I don't; the best was to break every contact, though I do not want to.

It's the best... right?
I know it is, you'll tell me it is.
But how do I get my peaceful life back without those restless, full-of-nightmare nights?
I'm so screwed.


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