Anxiety

Listening to: Jack Johnson - Gone

Well.. what can I say? Things have not been going too well lately. That should explain my long absence in this blogging world.

Mark is not coming this May. He's not coming this year. I'm not even sure if he's coming at all. He's been quite "in a distance" during our workdays but he's still charming as always on the phone. BUT... there's something missing. Or maybe it's the selfish me that craves too much attention from him. But in short, I am feeling that he's losing his interest in me.

It saddens me a lot in a way. I know some of you told me not to put any big hope in men/relationships, but my principle didn't allow me to think like that. I have to believe and I want to believe, cause it's what will happen. That's what I believe. But maybe I'm not that correct.

I'm an independent woman. I don't think I'm asking too much from a man... but again, maybe it's just my feeling towards myself. Maybe I'm not like that in others' eyes. Maybe I just don't do enough. I don't share enough. I don't care enough. But didn't I?

I miss his emails, his cheerful voice on the phone, his chats, his encouragement, his passion, his laugh, his everything. It's still there vaguely when we finally are able to chat and talk.. but it wasn't like it used to be. Or am I starting to act like a big fat nagging unsatisfied greedy wife? Is it just my feeling or is it the truth... that he's keeping some distance from me?

Maybe it was me? Maybe I said something wrong? Maybe I scared him with my deviance? If so, why doesn't he tell me that? He asked me from the very beginning to be always true to him and I've tried my best. Shouldn't he do the same? Or is everything actually JUST OK and it's just my stupid insecurities?

Maybe I don't call enough. Maybe I don't email enough. Maybe I don't care enough. Well.. I did try to balance the atmosphere. I seriously did. I tried to call him a lot of times but I was just too often brought to his voice mailbox. And when I could indeed get through to talk to him, he was now and again in a hurry of catching the train or in a restaurant or on a car journey.

I was tickled too many times last week to reveal what was going on between us by asking this scary question of: "Is it not working between the two of us?" But I was just too anxious to do it. I care a big deal about Mark and I do have to admit I'm afraid of losing him. So I thought I gave it a try on fixing things by calling him again last weekend.
Well suddenly we were talking like the first time we talked. And once again I was happy. I was all smiley the whole day and grew my dying hope back to life. He hasn't changed. He's still the sweetest person. He's still the Mark I know.

Until yesterday.
Until today.

I really don't have any idea what the hell is wrong. But he is so remote. So away. Is it just workdays syndromme or is it me or is it us or is it whatever I think it is???

I'm so insecured. Sooo.. not loved. So alone.

I'm really scared. And maybe he is, too.
Of me.