When you stop believing,
You’ll grieve for hours
Close your eyes and sink yourself under your pillows
Choose the comfortable safe deep darkness
Than facing a bright shiny eye-hurting light

When she stops believing,
She’s no longer the cheerful sun
She’s not the source of life and happiness
She’s dimming and transforming to a darker moon
That hardly helps enlighten the earth
Even hardly helps enlighten herself
Turning her smile into a frown
Turning her laugh into an anger
Turning her love into hatred
Turning her warm heart into a cold icy stone
Hard… still… steel… flat… frozen

When he stops believing
He builds the toughest highest well-based self-protection gate around him
Socializes but hardly gets involved
Friendly but hardly helpful
Charming but hardly happy
Smiling but almost crying
If only seen through his walls

When they stop believing
They’ll be as creative
As developing a theory of life
As forming strict borders and values
As building a new small community
Where they can be the ruler
Just to make sure everybody else has the same pain

When I stop believing
I’ll dig my own six feet hole
With my own ten fingers
Mixing the soil with my tears
Embracing the dough with my blood
Dedicating any sane mind of mine left
To concentrate on my last attempt
In burying my soft bloody heart
In the bottom of the darkness
To exchange it with the modernized one
That is stronger
Tougher
Harder
Colder
Just cold enough
And hot enough
To set a holocaust of the whole revenge
To my enemies
Until they pay it
With the same amount of tears I shed
With the same amount of pain I suffer from

When we stop believing
It’ll just become a cycle that never ends
We realize and feel it yet we enjoy it
As I enjoy your face
When you fall down on your knees
Sinking in your own oceans of ripped heart.

9:41 am

Quoting Ella:

Let us kill all men in the world named Mark! Screw them all, cut off their d*** and throw them into the ocean!!! *lagi emosi ama someone named Mark juga*

Bete.
It all leaves me to one single ultimate conclusion :
Never fall in love a Mark
Never have an affair, let alone sleep or make love with a Mark
Never put too high hopes with a Mark
and once and for all...
NEVER give your son the name MARK!
He'll be screwed and sucking all his lifetime!

*grrrrrr... masih emosi*

IN FACT, don't believe ANY online guys you meet on the internet! They're completely sucker, son-of-a-bitch, JERK!

They can claim that they're honest, but they're simply the biggest liars! They can complain how love is something rare in this world but they simply don't give a damn if it does EXIST! They can pretend that they're sweet to fool us but they wear those horns on their head, that we OF COURSE can't see just from the words they fuckin TYPE over internet!

Mark Mulder, the one I used to fuss about, is one of the example. He appeared so perfect at first. So adorable in our first chats. So full of hopes and promises. Yet, SO FUCKIN FAKE! After a while he got me dreaming about my perfect match (finally!) and lifted me up so high in the sky with his oh-so-sweet-vision about love and life, JUST to let me down with what-he-thinks-is-a-decent-way to dump a girl. Fine, he told me he was coming in May, but when May was just not yet over, he told me he hadn't got the money. THEN in early June, he told me he was coming in September, but NOT ONLY to Indonesia, but also to the Philipines and Thailand (South East Asia). So he's suddenly rich? Hello???

I've been wondering about this, and wondering if it was right for me to agree to meet him when he's here later in September. I was almost sure that he was coming for another girl somewhere in those countries he mentioned and now, in this supposedly-to-be-a-bright-shiny-lovely day, I FOUND OUT whom. No, he wasn't telling me whom. He wouldn't dare. But that's just the point, huh? HE WAS NOT HONEST!
And meeting me (before or after, I don't care) he meets that girl... Is that a way to compare which is better? Of course we have nothing special at the moment, NOT anymore after I wrote this poem. And no, I have no more feelings about him. BUT IT WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANNOYING, to find out that he was not what he hoped he appeared to me!

I'm NOT going to meet him. Not in September, not EVER. He doesn't even deserve to be a friend, as I thought he did (and that's why we were still talking!!).

I'm emotional right now, I know. And I know, too, that Marijn was right! I'm never going to be able to have an easy relationship cause I tend to hope. And hope is what hurts us the most when it's not fulfilled. I ALWAYS want to believe in eternal love, happy ending stories blah blah, but all facts are supporting Marijn's ideas that there was no such thing in this stupid wicked world, no matter how the people WANT the other people to see them as, and I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE IN HIM! It used to be the last thing I wanted to believe for I would surely lose myself if I didn't trust love and myself. But this Mark showed me so much how true Marijn's statement was.

I'm so sick of guys, I AM! Tell me I'm hypocrite cause I need them as much as I hate them. But I really am sick of MEN!

Fuck them all!

12:10 pm

Last night I was home
holding my room key still in my hand.
I felt nothing but
pain all over my legs
and heart.
Weakly my eyes adjusted
in the dimly lighted room of mine,
to see you there in my bed. Just
before I swayed my fingers recklessly
and lost the grip of the keys.

I blinked five times and still not enough,
that it was you I was looking at,
and there you looking back at me.
It was forever until I
gasped out for a breath and clear brain.
I attempted to produce a small sound, which
miserably failed..
You smiled knowingly and rose
to your feet,
to softly yet a little roughly
pulled me to your slender self.
And I lost my consciousness when
you touched my lips.

Sweatily you held me,
or I held you?
all night long.
No words were coming out from
either of our mouths
, for they were in a better use
of our long lost affection.
There was no necessity for them at all;
words is,
for I saw your eyes,
and they told me enough..
that you were there for me.
That night.
That very beautiful night.

No promises made, as always.
But your smell stayed with me in the morning,
as a delicious additional essence for my coffee,
that I sipped at that moment,
as I sipped you then.

I smiled.
And oh, how I smiled.

7:38 pm

Who is the smartest person in making jokes?

My boss.

6:03 pm

I might be the dumbest person on earth. After sleeping for only 3.5 hours last night, restlessly as well for I was blaming myself all the way for dancing the whole night with one cool guy without knowing his name or exchanging phone numbers cause I was assuming that he was gay, when he was not, I had to fall to another misfortune.

I mean I really fell.

SD St. Clara’s deadline of submitting students’ reports was today. I woke up early to make it to meet Erlita before she was out to teach AND to skip my Dutch course once again (already two times in a row, last week I was in Lombok). Well, I spent a lot more money in Lombok than what I expected and the first of June was my mother’s birthday so I was emptying my bank account. That’s why I chose to walk to the MLT office, rather than spending some Rp 10,000 on becak. It’s actually near my house, if we take a shortcut. And that was what I was aiming to do.

The shortcut didn’t turn out to be the same anymore. The path I used to take was gone. Thick bushes covered the way and after walking soooo far just to find the right shortcut, I was forced back to the front of the Puri Indah housing complex and asked the security guy to show me the fastest way to Nirwana Executive.

The old man was friendly and kind. Clearly he showed me the shortcut and with his finger pointed he some turning directions in the bushes.
I thanked him and before he left, he told me to take a circling way to get to the other side of the bushes.

I stepped on the bushes, which were thick and damp, and thought why the old man asked me to take a farther turn when I could just walk straight to the other end. So being a smart ass as I considered myself as, I walked straight up.
It didn’t even take me two steps when I found my feet and legs much too wet and stuck in the POND UNDER THE BUSHES!!! Shit shit shit! Why didn’t he tell me there was water under the stupid useless annoying plants?!?!
Ok, he warned me, but there was no single explanation why I should turn. It should be his fault!

I was pulled deeper into the water and began to freak out (my water phobia is not yet fully defeated). I was about to scream for help but there was just no one around! The water had already had half of my body soaked. I told myself to calm down and got rid of my bag. I threw it to the other side and tried to find a stronger grip to get myself out of that shit. Excuse my language, but it did smell like shit, so that was actually the best expression. After a while, I succeeded in pulling my body out, and it took me 2 seconds before I started to laugh reaaally hard.

Man, my clumsiness. When will it ever end? And why was I laughing?

Apart from my fright of getting buried in an unknown place, beneath filthy grasses, that could be the funniest thing I experienced these last one month. Crazy. I was. And dumb. I should have listened to the kind old guy, but I didn’t.

So yeah.. I had to let myself be laughed at during my short walk to the office. I did smile all the time when I saw my wet jeans pants and jacket but I also had the feel to scold the tukang-tukang sayur who laughed at me when I passed them by with my oh so smelly wet jeans. Hehehe…

As soon as I arrived at the office, I borrowed a motorcycle to go back home to change clothes. JUST TO FORGET that I kept my room key in my bag, which I LEFT at the office!

Oh God.. I don’t know what to say anymore. But today, unable to open my own room and wear my own clothes, I had to sacrifice my look with some red exercise trousers of my niece and my own bright green top. Arrrgghhhh!!!!!!!

11:33 pm

I just discovered that I was a shy girl.

It’s Friday. Yay! Rina and I had a plan to go dugem tonight. Arief called Rina for this outing. He was interested in checking out the cool Canadian band we’d been fussing about.

I went to Shangri-La directly from the office. Veve and Nyo dropped me at Karang Menjangan Hospital and I took a taxi from there.

I arrived in the hotel first. I marched to the toilet and fix my make up. Actually I didn’t wear any make up from the office, so it wasn’t really fixing. Rina came about half an hour later and off we went to Desperados, our favourite club. Arief, unsurprisingly, called Rina, just a moment before she left for the club, that he wasn’t feeling good. Yeah yeah..

As usual, she ordered a glass of coke and me some small Bintang beer. We sat in a dim corner, a strategic place to watch the band and spy on some couples, and scanned the people in our first hour there and started to analyse them. There was this one group of four business people look-like near the bar. They consisted of one neat handsome guy, later to be called the executive and three old men. Then I started to make a story of my own.

“That guy in dark blue, the young one, must be an heir of a very big successful company. He’s on his way learning the system of the company and those three old men must be the ‘important’ people he needs to socialize with. He can be one of the best candidates, for you, Rin. Young, rich, responsible.. Whatelse can you expect from a man?”

One of the female singers climbed the bar, out of the blue, and stood before the executive. She sang while dancing hotly, shaking her ass covered by some piece of mini skirt. The executive didn’t take any interest in her. Not even stopped to look at her butt.

I exclaimed, “Oh my God, he’s gay!”

Rina laughed.

Standing across us were a group of vain women with full thick makeup and a metrosexual gayish guy in whites. They danced all the time and kissed every male greeting them. You can guess who they are. Nevertheless it was fun to watch them.

The homo guy in whites seemed to pull this thin guy over him. He was OKAY in look, not too extraordinary. He, later to be called gelandangan, wore some semi dark T-shirt and jeans and always held a glass or a bottle of drink in his hand. Once in a while he danced with one of those girls and the other girls in the bar. The gay seemingly wanted to dance with him but I couldn’t catch a glimpse if he really managed to dance with him. But since the guy in whites seemed to always cling to him, I decided that they were gays. Hihihi..

We heard the band sing our song and we were down to the dance floor to move our body and get some exercise. It was funnnnn! It seemed ages since we last danced. I stomped my feet hard on the dance floor happily and made little jumps sometimes to follow the music. Then the gelandangan started to dance with me.

We smiled and danced. Once in every other time we switched partners, but back danced together. When Rina and I went back to our chairs, I told her he was cool. He looked “empty”, which reminded me of someone and his dance was quite weird, but I had a feeling to say that he was cool. Then we compared him with the executive again. Hehe..

We danced again. When I was back to my chair to take my bag and the plastic bag of important documents of my students' score Rina brought for me, one of the waiters asked me what it was in the plastic bag. When I explained to him what it was, he laughed and said, "You're a teacher?!?! Oh, my God. How are your students like if the teacher is like this."

"They're good lucky students to have a teacher like me," I smiled.
Oh Indonesian perception... If being a teacher means I can't have fun, I'd better not be a teacher at all. :P

We danced till our legs hurt, till the band finished their whole session, till the bar almost closed and till we remembered that we had to wake up early tomorrow morning.

We got out of the club and sat for a while on some chairs in the ground-floor lobby, checking the documents Rina brought for me. In the mean time, the gelandangan came towards us with his two other friends, one of whom I suspect to be one of the "payable" women, and almost jumpingly he greeted us, "Goodbye, Ladies," while smiling very widely.

We replied. And once again, I thought, he was cool. Too bad he was gay.

We stood outside and waited for our taxi. The gelandangan was beside me. He looked at me (or us, I'm not sure) and smiled. I smiled back to him.
He and his friends then got in their taxi, but he didn't come inside yet when he gave this either "Come with me" or "Bye bye" gesture. I thought it was the first one for I saw his fingers moving to his chest. But I replied it with a bye bye gesture. He kept doing that for some seconds and I didn't really get what he wanted.

Just when Rina and I were in our taxi, I told her, "Maybe he is not gay at all."

Rina said, "He is not. He seems to be much interested in you than that gay in white."

My heart sank.

Rina's version.

6:08 pm