When Rain Falls Down on a Sunny Day

My eyes were narrowed when I accidentaly looked at the very bright sky this noon on bemo on the way to the office. Nice cheerful weather we were having today.. unlike the clouds in my head and heart.

I began to re-think the whole things about my coming-to-Holland plan. A must to do agenda after my chat with my Mr. Guy last night. I found that it was still the same. Still a one-way love that I'm feeling, though it's more grey when I try to adjust it with he says and what he does, which annoyingly very much different in its practice.

Why do people have to complicate love and its elements? Why don't they just feel it and act like what they feel? Why does love need a definition and why should we analyse it, knowing much too well that it's already complicated without being analysed? Why should there be a general idea of how love is and what effects it should influence the feelers? Why should there be terms of -impossible- or -too much- in socialisation? Why can't we just act and feel like the way it is naturally? Why can't one just smile and be happy to get much love from a person that they don't mind him/her having the feeling for him/her? Why do people choose to be lonely and sad instead of accepting a possibility of being loved and cheered by a person he also loves?!

I'm saying those NOT in the term that one hates the other.

Why should I be hanging here, being loved and unloved by my loved one, depending on how the tide he's having? Does love make me irrational and stupid? Do I lose my mind cause of it?I've been forcing my brain to find out the answer and it says no. I still have my sanity with me. My logics as well as my heart.

The logic says I shouldn't have loved him in the first place. I've never set a criteria of how my guy should be like but people who just know his surface always wonder why I get to fall in love with him. I never listened to them of course, neither does my logic. What it objects is that cause he doesn't believe in this thing called "love". It's already hard to build and/or maintain a love to a normal guy who believes in it; it's even twice or five times more work with him. I'd always told myself not to have fallen in love with this extraordinary sweet and mean person, but who could stop when love knocks your heart?

My heart.. the 75% role in my decisive life suggests me to just go with the flow. No matter how much I planned my life and tried to deny the feelings raising up for him, my heart teaches me to be true and honest. It reminds me how much I regretted when my father's gone without ever hearing me, or my brother or my sister, or even my mother, that we loved him. Sure he knew it but isn't it always nice to hear and be admitted that you are loved, and that you exist in someone's life, that you play a role and are valued somehow by someone. My regret as well for my first love: getting trapped into Indonesian social rules and lying all my feelings up till he really left. No more hiding love. Not for Carla. Not ever again.

I love him. And I'd love to win my heart in this tough mind discussion. At the same time, I don't want to upset my logic. So I've set reasonable plans and reasons to back up my heart's decision. Why.. I'm 25 next month.. If it's not now, when can I satisfy my love? Though in the end I know I will get nothing in return, at least I tried. At least I loved. I get the feeling that I should win my logic sometime in the future. 5 years time is an estimated time till I have to consider a planned settled life for myself. I may then have to set aside my feelings and think more universally. So why should I bother about it before the time?

My love is not blind. I have my sanity with me. It's just a matter of choice. And this is what I choose now.

Don't tell me I'm stupid cause I'm not. Don't tell me what to do, cause I decide my life. You should not worry cause my decision concerns him. When he feels not good, I won't go on. I'm sane enough to consider that this is a two-person issue.

In either way, this might be the last thing I can do for him. Or for a love I feel..

... before my time's up and a new responsible Carla is created,
... before I regret again..