Grateful for Knowing for Sure What's for Christmas

Day 47 of 365 grateful days project:

"I'm grateful to finally find out whether or not I will be with Vincent this Christmas."

Trust me, it was not that easy to come up with the grateful line above. What I'm feeling now is more like sad than grateful.

Our last guests were leaving and Vincent asked them if they would be in Nancy, France for Christmas; if they would, then he'd see them there. They said yes and naturally asked whether I would be there too. Vince said no.

I guess I already knew that I wouldn't be going based on our present financial record. But we never discussed that it was decided as such, while in the beginning of the year it seemed like I'd be going. But then again, there are always many plans and very little effort to make them come true. So why surprised, right?

I think the shock came because I had to hear it in front of other people. And for a weird reason, I thought I was being stepped up. And that made me feel that there was some distance between us, shown by our lack of communication in this case. I actually always believed that we had good communication. But somehow, for more important issues, we both seem to try to avoid talking about them.

Which led me to question things again.

Anyway, just so that there is no misunderstanding, I'm not dying to go to France. Yes, it'd be nice to revisit it, but that's really the last thing that should be in my priority. Christmas, on the other hand, is one of the very few important events for me. This is the time when we should be spending with our beloved family, which actually makes it a reason enough for Vincent to spend it with his mother. After all, that's the only time they can be together in a year while I have him the whole year long. But then who am I then?

I am a girlfriend.

Why can't I bring myself to remember that at times? I've been too busy playing house that even I deceive myself that I'm someone more.

I hope nobody thinks that I'm blaming anyone, because I'm not. And I was actually touched that Vincent later on said that we could work on it if I did want to go. But what's the point of going to Europe for 2 weeks, probably stranded at his mother's house most of the time because the snow is too thick outside, and then coming home totally broke?

The bigger issue here does not lie in the travel. The bigger issue is - to me at least - what we are and where we are in this relationship. Vincent likes to go with the flow, and if I were 22 instead of 32 I would prefer going with the flow, too. But I'm done with going with the flow. I need directions!

Ideally I'd like to spend my life forever with him. But if forever is not possible, I'll just settle to "as long as we can take." But who knows... maybe long is not that long...

I must be fucking PMS-ing! This is why I don't like to think. Everything looks fine for a long time now and there must be always something to make it not fine. Bugger!


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